I thought I hurt before, that I had been struggling. Now... now I'm in misery.

My fiance wanted a break, I said I could do that. The next day, though, I just couldn't. I needed a definite answer, but it had to be my decision on whether to push for us to work on it or break it off officially. When he'd brought up us taking a break, it caught me entirely off-guard. I couldn't hardly process it. The next day I was thinking a little more clearly. I had to do the responsible thing and break it off. Before I did though, I asked him if he was still in love with me. He said he didn't know. On top of the spear that was metaphorically sent through my chest, I felt a tiny needle pierce my heart. It wouldn't be fair for me to tie him to someone he wasn't sure if he loved. It wouldn't be fair to me to string me along, considering I'm still madly in love with this guy. So, I broke it off. And I cried for a minute, then I compartmentalized my feelings towards the situation.

Since, I have felt empty. Though the emptiness didn't begin until I took off my ring; the emptiness is better than the pain of looking at it. The reason I'm writing this here and not another forum is because I feel myself declining even faster than before. My head is just... messed up. It's not right. I know it's not right. The shadow people aren't shadows anymore, they glow gold. They speak to me telepathically and tell me to join them. There's only one possible way I can do that. What's holding me to this world without him?

I keep telling myself this **** isn't real, it's becoming a difficult debate. I also keep telling myself that I can't do it because I'll devastate my... ex, I guess. I don't want him blaming himself because it wouldn't be his fault. I'm not sure if that reason will hold me to this life. My hallucinations are constant now, it's getting to be a little bit of a pain to tell if something's real or not. My despair is unrelenting. My thoughts are only of what I've lost. I'm still so deeply in love with him. And yet, he doesn't love me the same back.

I can't help but feel like this is my fault. After my mental breakdown two years ago, I haven't been the same person... and never will be again. I'm not the one he fell in love with. Now I'm just his friend, best friend, I guess. He told me that things have been hard on him, that I'm good for a minute and zone out the next, giving him the "cold shoulder". I never meant to make him feel that way, but I did. He wasn't happy. I need him happy. I don't care what pain I have to go through. I just love him. I love him so much I can't be the cause of his pain.

None of this changes how much I hurt right now. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been planning our wedding in secret to surprise him later. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been working on my MH so we could adopt a kid. He'd be a great dad and I'd only want children with him. ****, I still love him so much. But I had to do it. I had to do it because he didn't have the heart to.

I wish I was dead, but I'm not. I just don't know what to do now.