No, you can't blame yourself for the mental breakdown please Só leigheas. It's just the cards you've been dealt in this difficult life, nothing more. And also, that deep love you still feel for your ex fiance, it will diminish in time I guarantee you, then you can look back and say 'whew, I got through that, wow.' Endure.

These hallucinations you're having, it's a medical thing obviously and I'd like you to address that with a doctor please. Don't listen to the voices, they're just part of you but the mind is distorting it somewhat I believe.

Postpone death and just wait for mother nature to choose the right time, don't worry. That's what I'm doing.