First of all, thank you to everyone for their responses and apologies for not responding to you all sooner. This last week has been very busy and I haven’t been able to sit down and give this the time it deserves. This is my attempt to do so now.

So, as I said before, thanks to everyone who responded. When I wrote this I really was just ranting/trying to get this off my chest, so the fact that anyone responded at all is great. I’ve had a bit more of a think about what might have brought it on. It was my birthday recently, which was quite a mundane day and, subconsciously, I probably contrasted it with my birthday from 5 years ago, where we spent the day together and everything was just pretty happy and good. Another reason that it’s still unresolved is that (aside from the fact it was a big incident in my life), I’ve never talked to anyone about it really. I’ve never been good enough at vocalising emotions and I’ve never been sufficiently close with anyone (i.e. a friend) to tell them about this sort of thing.

To answer your scenario question, obviously it’s difficult to know exactly how I’d feel without being there, but if dreams and (memories of) sightings of them after we broke up are anything to go by, I’d freeze. If I spotted them I’d feel temporarily frozen in place as I tried to work out what to do. I’d feel my heart beating notably faster, I’d start feeling more nervous and look for ways to get out of there, but also not want/be able to move. Being near them would probably make me stressed/anxious, but I still wouldn’t be able to make myself look away. Despite all of the sadness it would probably cause me afterwards, I still couldn’t make myself stop looking. Similarly, I know I probably shouldn’t talk to them, but I would really want to. When it comes to what I’d say, I’d be torn between two things. After things ended between us, and after everything that had happened, I decided that the best thing I could for them was just to leave them alone, so I went no (active) contact. None at all. It wouldn’t be much and I couldn’t set everything right, but I could at least do one thing for them and I wouldn’t want to cause them any more stress. At the end of things I knew full well they didn’t want me around, so, if the best thing I could do was not be around, than that’s what I’d do. If conversation was needed, I’d make boring small talk and make my exit as soon as possible.

However (proper answer), if I ran into them now and had to say something proper (and they’d let me talk), I’d say “I’m sorry”. I’d say “I’m sorry that things ended the way they did, I’m sorry I became such a difficult person to deal with and I’m sorry a lot of arguments we had were (pointlessly) started by me. The fact that you put up with me being difficult for so long shows me that you really did care about me, and that you really did want things to work – something that I just couldn’t see at the time. I don’t begrudge your decision to break up with me at all. Given the circumstances (in hindsight), I’m almost amazed you put up with me for so long. It’s always easy to be wise after the event, but I was just so upset and stressed at the time, that I couldn’t stop myself from acting out. This was nothing to do with you – I was miserable for a whole variety of reasons as you well know, and the distance certainly didn’t help. Life just seemed so hard at that point. You were a great thing in my life then and I just put far too much pressure on things to work out (obviously not a good idea). I don’t think the time was ever right for us; if we’d tried getting together 1 or 2 years earlier or later than when we actually did maybe things would have been different. Unfortunately this will only ever be a hypothetical scenario. I’m filled with regret at the way that things ended, because I feel that we never really had a proper chance. We could have had something truly excellent and it’s no word of a lie to say I don’t think I’ve been happier than when I was with you. That’s all in the past now though and, however much I might want it, we’re never getting back together (and, aside from this fictional, hypothetical event, I’m probably never going to see you again), so I just have to live with what’s happened. I hope you’re happy now and, if you have found someone else, I hope they treat you with all of the love, respect and admiration you deserve, and that I could never give you. Take care of yourself. I love you. I’m sorry.”

That’s what I’d say.