Resolved


"Normal" I guess meaning I prefer people who have good social understanding to reply so I can best understand what the appropriate action would be. My judgement is still clouded by emotions and I'm not great at social things to begin with. The following explanation will be the short version, if you want the long version it's in the BPD forum. Please make an effort to read through this post entirely before replying!

Today marks 1 week since having lost my most recent friend. I did a stupid thing while caught up in "curiosity killed the cat" mode and that caused him pain to the point that he ended up saying we couldn't be friends anymore because he could not forgive me. We have an acquaintance in common and after the initial removal that acquaintance was caught in the middle relaying further messages (which I did not ask for). Maybe an hour or two after, the acquaintance ended up convincing the friend to re-add me on the chat program we use (again, something I did not ask for), and in my highly emotional state I decided to decline the request.

Today, I decided to ask acquaintance to ask ex-friend how he is doing. Acquaintance urged me to re-add ex-friend because he hated seeing me so upset by this. I argued that I cannot, because I fear ex-friend would only accept me back because of guilt or because acquaintance told him to. Of course acquaintance argued that would not be the case and that I should just do it. He then provided a chat log statement from a week ago saying ex-friend would get with me later, but it's important to note that this was after he had re-added me when acquaintance told him to and I had declined.

This is where you guys come in handy - you can give me an unbiased idea of what I can do, if anything.
Do I take the initiative to re-add him? If you were in his shoes, how would you see it - are you expecting me to re-add since I was the one to refuse your last request, even though you removed me to start, or are you going to try to re-add again if you feel like it at some point?

My concerns over re-adding him have multiple points:
1. If he declines, it will add more to the hurt, but at the same time it will let me know that he does not plan on coming back. Currently part of my anxiety over it is wondering if he will come back, so while it would hurt more initially it might help in the long run.
2. If he accepts, it might not be because he forgave me, but out of guilt or because the acquaintance told him to. Neither of these things would be a good base to restart the friendship with.
3. I don't know if I can get over him having left in the first place. Another friend that came back last year I have distanced myself from because of fear he will leave again and since he has never been an initiator the friendship has basically died.
4. I don't feel I can really offer him anything and I fear I could hurt him again. For his benefit I do not think this is a good relationship and as hard as it is to let go, I really don't want to hurt him more.