hi everyone
my dept was downsized and i was the 3 they let go, the sad thing is they left the most experienced ones go. i was off work last year due to stress and anxiety brought on by a toxic ex manager, come back only to be told that i was the one of the ones impacted. i did make alot of mistakes but that was because the stress i was under, its like i never got a chance to prove to them i could do my job

i got a package, but i can't seem to get past the hurt, and anger of how i was treated when i came back. plus i know i will never get that kind of job again with full benefits, 4 weeks of vacation, and other perks. i have to accept this is over, i was never really happy there anyways. was a toxic environment, favorites were picked for promotions etc. i know people keep telling me this is a new chapter in your life, you get to decide what you want to do now but i have always stayed with what was safe even if i was not totally happy. i DONT LIKE CHANGE, that is why i am struggling.

but this is the first time in a long time i have been unemployed. i know i need to get into some kind of routine otherwise i will get really depressed, i am still struggling to believe that its over... it doesn't feel real. the only thing i will miss is the routine of work and the friends i made there over the years.

i have self hate towards myself, feel like every job i lost was due to my anxiety, the very little confidence i have when i came back to work is gone, after what they did to me.

i guess i am just venting... i do have a mental support group that i go to as well so that helps to know i am not alone and i am seeing a therapist but they can only do so much, i have to believe that i will get over this and be happy again one day.

i am just so sick of living in fear and sadness.....