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Originally Posted by kuro92
My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years now. We’re both 25. Through out those 3 years, he has not been able to keep a job for more than several months. The first 2 years he helped my dad as a caregiver, but only got assigned for 4 hours a day so it wasn’t helping me at all for paying his part.
He constantly has problems with others at jobs, says they’re putting all the work on him, or various other problems that could easily be solved. He has very bad anger and seems to always get upset with coworkers or people telling him what to do. I’ve tried for so long to get him to go get professional help, but he refuses since he thinks it doesn’t work and keeps insisting he’ll work on it himself. His excuse for everything is that he can’t deal with people and doesn’t want to be around them because of his past/anxiety and depression. He keeps insisting he has PTSD from his past (he lived in a bad neighborhood/had several incidents that still cause him anxiety), but again refuses to get help.
He started a new job just 3 days ago and already claiming he hates it. He’s so set on only working night jobs in warehouses because he thinks he won’t have to see or talk to anyone. I’m completely against this since with my job and college, I will never really see him for more than an hour a day. I also want him to start focusing on looking for a career type of job, but it seems like everything I suggest, he just tells me how he can’t deal with people.
I don’t know what to do or how to help him anymore. This is really effecting our relationship. We’re finally starting to go out again since for the longest time he would make it so difficult since he constantly had anxiety by places I suggested. I have very bad depression/anxiety as well, but I’ve never let it prevent me from working. I’m slowly resenting him as I’m constantly paying most of his share in the house. He also makes me feel terrible when I suggest I think he’s using his mental health as an excuse to just not work or that he needs to learn to deal with people/get help. I don’t see how our relationship can continue if he can’t even stay at a job or is constantly starting fights with others/quitting his jobs. What can I do to try and help him so he starts taking things seriously? We had a severe fight last night and I told him that if this continues then I will have no choice, but to ask him to move out because I am sick of working so hard to cover for him.
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while I would say that depression and anxiety is surely something that makes it difficult for people to work consistently in some cases, I also find it hard to believe that in 3 yrs and all the jobs he's tried, there has been nothing that would work for him.
While I agree with the comment that you can't know how depression and anxiety affects him, it's not just one instance of a specific job that caused too much stress for him to work but all of them up to this point? a lot of people do have periods where they don't feel they can work and I understand that but in this case, looking at all that you've said, it does indeed seem that there is some evidence of what the poster said about him growing up and leaching off of you. right now, if you keep letting him bounce form job to job and supporting this pattern of behavior it really may never stop. what is happening here could very well be a codependent relationship and with you being the enabler. ofc this is all just from what you've said so I could be wrong.
The resentment and frustration on your part is something that you will have to assess yourself as to whether or not this relationship is worth the investment you are putting into it financially now and going forward.
In a nutshell, you have to decide something. He may never find the right job. that's a fact. regardless of the reasons, whether it's because of his depresson and anxiety or whether he is using you and leaching, it matters less than whether or not you are ready and willing to accept what it is right now. Once you accept this may be ongoing and permanent (possibly) you can make a wise decision as to what you can do. You can't change him and maybe he never will but it's like this. If you accept this is what it is and decide to leave, you have made a sound decision. but if you accept this is how it is and accept that you may be taking care of him and that's ok with you, that also is a sound decision but it all comes down to your accepting that you can't change him and that things may never change. Once you do, your decision either way will be based on what is real not what if or some other intangible that may or may not be later.