This is my first post so I ask politely that people be kind. I am turning to the web to find a sense of community because I am a 31 year old female who basically has no friends and I rarely date. I really only interact with my mom and of course I still live at home. I've only had one successful relationship and it was almost 7 years ago. He passed away while I was dating him but that's a story for another time.
I feel so rejected and alone but I feel too bad about myself to try and make friends anymore. When I try, they always like me at first and then gradually stop communicating with me. The sad part is I never even know why but I've been called needy before. I feel so much shame from all the rejections that I can barely look people in the eye anymore. The more I pull away inward, the lonelier I get but my shame and low self esteem have gotten so bad that I feel unworthy of even being looked at or spoken to. I used to really try to make friends and date but I've realized no one wants to be around someone needy and depressed so I've given up. My therapist has suggested I try to join groups instead of focusing on individual relationships so the rejections don't hurt so much but the only thing worse that getting rejected by one person is having a whole group turn on you and talk crap about you behind your back.
My own family tells me I'm going to die alone and will be eating Chinese food on Christmas by myself some day. They had no empathy after my boyfriend died. They looked down on our relationship because he was older than me and struggled with homelessness and addiction. They make fun of how poor I am. I never could keep a job because my co-workers always decide they don't like me so I live in poverty. I also have narcolepsy which makes it almost impossible to hold down a job. My father never was around and my mother has had long term serious medical issues. I feel like I'm basically the female version of the movie character Gilbert Grape.
I've never felt loved by any of the people who are "supposed" to love you. I always get attached to friends and lovers too quickly because of this love deficit in my life and it ends up repelling everyone. The more closeness I want, the more I'm turned away. The nicer I try to be, the less people seem to respect me. I just feel like a big joke sometimes.
Is there truly any hope with Borderline Personality or is it a lifetime sentence for social isolation? The last few times I've sought out company I've gotten taken advantage of by some very dangerous people just looking for someone screwed up like me to exploit. My judgement is so bad. I'm so afraid that the whole world hates me I'm afraid to even post this on here. I'd like to say I want to make friends on here but I don't expect anyone to like me once they get to know me so I'll settle for friendly advice/guidance. I have been diagnosed with this disease for 12 years I don't see it getting better. Is it just some big lie that it actually gets better some day? I'm close to giving up and becoming a recluse