I am up at my usual ungodly hour, having woken at 4 a.m. Never sleep anymore.
Sometimes, I feel like a deaf mute. Like I can't speak. It feels like too much work, and I am so tired I tend not to want to talk. Yet at the same time, I know this is not good and I am becoming isolated. Generally, people do not notice that I am not talking much. Perhaps I have become lazy, as it is almost easier not to share than it is to converse. In that way, I realize I am to blame.
Everything seems to take an inordinate amount of effort lately; I tend to wake up with things I plan to do, then end up not accomplishing them. It's as if I am in one of two states- either feeling nervous, jittery or uncomfortable sitting in my own skin, or listless and flat, like my arms and legs are made of lead. Given the choice between going out or staying in, I retreat to my bed and lie down.
I used to be peaceful. I don't know what happened. I just don't understand why I am like this. I want to get out of it, but I don't know quite how. So a day will pass, I'll resolve to turn over a new leaf and be different, or approach things differently, or think about things differently, and then another day will pass, and I'll realize I am still where I started.