So I went in to tell him about my feelings about his response to the father's day email. I said I didn't understand how it was curious when it's obvious I have parental feelings about him.
He said he had said it was curious because it was unexpected. He thought if he was going to receive something from me it would have been on a Wednesday. He said it stood out to him, in the context of being on holiday. I said why put an autoresponse on your work email then read it anyway? He said "i check it because..." and I interrupted him and said "you don't have to justify that to me". I said I had thought he felt it was out of place and he had confirmed that. He said it didn't seem out of place. I said "you said it stood out. How can something stand out if it fits nicely in place?" He said in the sense he stopped, thought about his response, thought about me for a while, which was different to the other things he did on holiday - okay in that context, but it wasn't unwelcome.
I said that sending that email was the moment I realised he just wasn't there. I welled up with tears as I said it, and wiped a slight tear away.
I said I ****ing hate therapy sometimes. He said because it hurts? I said because I don't want to feel these feelings. I know they are there anyway and I've carried them for a long time but it hurts to feel them. We discussed how they feel stagnant and don't pass through me. He mentioned that I'd emailed about my anxiety this week. I said I hadn't found his email useful, but didn't want to sound ungrateful, that I did appreciate him trying. I said the anxiety is a symptom of the deeper feelings so a technique to rid me of the anxiety would just leave me with the rest.
We started talking about when I had welled up earlier in the session. He said what happened? I said I welled up but couldn't cry. He said what did you do? I said I wiped my eye. He said "your breathing also changed, it became staccato rather than fluid." I said that happens a lot. He said that's something you could work on. I told him about my dentist saying don't grind your teeth. If it was that easy I would. He said you can practice by just consciously focusing on your breathing a few times a day. I said "are you sneakily trying go get me to meditate after years of me resisting it?" He found that funny and said No! Not meditation, just focused breathing.
I said "why would my body want me to breathe staccato?" He said "perhaps it thinks that the feelings would be too overwhelming" I said "So you think if I hadn't breathed like that I would have cried?" He said "quite likely". Massive lightbulb for me. I never knew why I couldn't cry before - here is a massive physical reason I can work on, that I've never been aware of before.
He said it probably wasn't safe before. But it is now.
I was quite affected by that. Nobody ever told me I was safe before. He smiled, i asked what that look was for, and said "I dont THINK I'm sneakily trying to get you to meditate!"
I told him a few things I've been up to, and said I am quite productive, I'm not always a gibbering wreck just waiting for the next session. I told him about one thing I did online this week and said I was going to send him a link but I didn't.
He said did I not want to show him? I said I wanted to show him but I didn't want to bother him. He said "send it to me, I want to see. You're not a bother". I said thanks and we stood up and hugged. As we walked to the door he said "do you feel like a bother?" I said "sometimes. I know I'm not the world's easiest client". He thought, smiled and said "No, probably not". We said seeya next week and I left.