T Monday. Went back, sat down, both commented on the bad weather (hot and humid). He said I mentioned this right at the end last time, so no time to talk about it, but he wanted to say again how sorry he was that I didn't get into the PhD program. I thanked him and said was OK. He asked more details about the rejection e-mail. Then discussed a bit where I wanted to go from here, like in terms of career (I won't bore you with that part!) That took maybe 15-20 minutes? He said we didn't have to spend lots of time on it, and I said what we were talking about was helpful, but I also didn't want to spend all session on it.

I said how I felt pretty good about how things had gone last session (when I admitted to having had some sexual fantasies about him), that there had been one little thing I'd worried about, but I realized I didn't need to e-mail, that it could wait till Monday. That the worst thing that would happen, if he was thinking what I was afraid he would, is that we would just talk about it, and I would explain, and it would be OK. T said he was very impressed that I was able to figure that out on my own and sort of comfort myself.

He asked if I wanted to share what it was. I then proceeded to give a very long-winded explanation. I said how he'd mentioned the thing about the client with the sexual fantasy, telling him this was where she would rip his clothes off--which was a few sessions ago--when I asked him about that last session, I had figured that he might realize I'd had similar thoughts about him (or why would I bother asking?) I said I'd tried to cover for that by talking about the thoughts I'd had for ex-MC. Which were more about closeness than straight-up sex. And I was concerned that T would think those were the sorts of thoughts I had for him.

T: "Well, you've told me a couple times that you don't have those kind of thoughts for me, so I didn't really think that." Me: "Oh. OK. But...just to clarify, the thoughts...the sexual...ones...that I had for you, they're...very different in nature. I mean, I'm not going into detail, but. The ones about you are...more...just...purely...sexual." T: "OK. Like I said, we can't control our thoughts." Me: "Yeah, OK, I was just making sure."

Side note: I think I need to bring this up to him next session. But I was thinking about it later, and I think I may be surprised that he just believed me, that he took my word for it when I said the feelings I had for him weren't like what I had for ex-MC (both when I'd told him that previously and Monday). I think maybe I'm used to people not believing me...like when I was maybe 18 and felt a connection to my (very openly) gay boss at the store where I was working, and I felt it was completely platonic, but my mom didn't believe me and said, "Me think thou dost protest too much." (That's just one example, there are others.) I think maybe I just assume people will think I'm lying, that I actually feel more for others than I do. And that those feelings are wrong. Which is kind of a depressing realization, the assumption that people won't believe me...

OK, back to session. I said, related to that, I was concerned he'd note things like "wearing a low-cut top," and read meaning into it, like I was trying to come on to him. When often it's just what I happened to throw on and maybe I didn't realize how low-cut it was until I was in the car. Or, like that day, I was wearing a dress because it was really hot out, not for any other reason. Or how one poster on here said their T made a comment about them wearing red lipstick that day (and the poster said it was just to make themselves feel good, nothing to do with the T). I said how I always wear lipstick (kind of a rose shade) because I have really pale lips, and usually a bit of makeup, as I also have pale skin and don't want to look sickly.

He said he doesn't really pay attention to that sort of thing, that he might make note of body language, if I was showing anxiety, but not what I'm wearing and what makeup I'm wearing. That made me feel better. I also said I could see him making a note if I showed up really done up in some outfit that wasn't the sort of thing I'd normally wear, or if I was wearing heavy eye makeup. He said in that case, he'd probably just ask me if I was going someplace right from session, but not assume it was about him. Which again, made me feel better.

This led to my talking about my mom being judgmental of me. One thing I mentioned was how she'd joke that, in terms of guys I dated, I tended to be drawn to "strays and lost causes." Like referring to how maybe I dated a guy who didn't have a job and/or have a car or who chose to dress himself in thrift store clothes. (I was/am drawn to the artist/musician/writer type). And that maybe I'd laugh with her, but it still bothered me. Because these were people I had feelings for and, in some cases, loved.

T agreed how that could be offensive and said he wondered if it was tied to my mom's anxiety and thoughts about her own image. I said that made sense, that maybe she had a certain image of the types of guys I *should* be dating, and they didn't match it. And how my college boyfriend, who bore a slight resemblance to Bono from U2 (including long, dark, wavy hair), after we split up, she asked me, "Did you actually find him to be attractive?" I was like, "Um, yes?!?" T questioned her motives for asking that, like why ask such at thing? Was she just being clueless or intentionally critical? I did say how she seemed to approve of my H (I guess she found him to be attractive enough, plus at the time we started dating, he was gainfully employed with a car and a house).

T asked if she had always seemed critical/judgmental of appearance things, and I talked again about stuff she would say about my outifts ("Want me to iron that for you before you leave?") or comment how I looked especially pretty one day, usually when I was wearing a fair amount of makeup. T asked if I got the message from her that I had to wear makeup, and I said yes, that she'd come right out and said that at one point when we were on vacation at the beach, and I said how freeing it was to not be wearing makeup. Like she'd said, "I wouldn't suggest you normally skip makeup." Which...how is that supposed to make me feel? I said to T that I have pale lips and pale skin, so I feel in some ways I have to wear something so as not to look sickly, but still...

I said I used to feel I could just run to the grocery store up the block without wearing makeup, that I used to feel that I couldn't go to the mailbox at the top of the block with, say, wet hair, or in sweats, because what if I ran into a neighbor? That I still felt I couldn't stand on my front porch, like when seeing D off to school, while not wearing a bra. (Not to be TMI, but I'm between a C and D cup.) And how it was kind of a big deal when a few weeks ago, I went to the nearest grocery store without wearing any makeup.

T said that was good, that I did that. And he wondered, would I judge other people at the grocery store without makeup on, wearing bummy clothes, etc.? Or...and he sounded really uncomfortable when he said this, if they weren't wearing a bra. I said no, not really, unless they were dressed horribly inappropriately. He said to try to think of myself as I would other people. That if I wouldn't judge them, they probably wouldn't be judging me. And if they were, then "F 'em!" Which made me smile. I glanced at clock and said I guessed we needed to stop soon. T looked over at it, seemed surprised at the time, and said, "We do still have a few minutes left."

I talked more about my appearance, specifically my hair, and said how H had kept commenting I should get it cut. So I felt that meant he thought it looked bad. T said it could just be that I kept mentioning it, that I was unhappy with it, so H was just like, "Go get it cut then." I said true, but that haircuts are really stressful for me. T said something that made me think it was because I feared the hairstylist messing up my hair. I said, "No, I've had a panic attack the last few times I got my hair cut. It's partly the having to tilt my head back in the sink, which bothers my neck, then the feeling trapped in the chair, then it's like they have to spend 20 minutes blow-drying. It's a much longer process than for a guy!"

T: "Are you still seeing 'Betty'? (not her actual name, but similar sort of nickname.) Me (thinking he's referring to my hairstylist, whose name is not Betty): "What?" T: "Dr. P-doc. Because that seems like an awful lot of anxiety for a haircut." Me: "Oh, yeah, I haven't seen her for a while." T: "Are you still on any medication?" Me: "A fairly low dose of Zoloft." T: "It just seems like you struggle so much with anxiety. I hate that you have to deal with that all the time. It seems like it would be so much easier for you if you didn't have to deal with all that." Me: "Yeah, I wish I could find something that worked well on it. There are very few meds, besides benzos, that are strictly for anxiety. And I've tried so many different meds, and with some I've had really bed physical or mental side effects." T (seeming genuinely sad for me): "I'm sorry. That seems really difficult." Me: "Thanks. There are still some I haven't tried, so maybe I could give them a chance? I'll make an appointment with her."

I said I knew we had to stop and got out my phone. Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for Monday. I went over and paid. T: "Do you feel well enough for a handshake?" (We hadn't shaken hands the past 2 sessions since I had a cold.) Me: "I think so?" T held out his hand, and I shook it. Me: "You're probably gonna go Lysol yourself now, aren't you?" T: "Maybe! Have a good week." Me: "You too." T (referring to the intense heat outside): "Don't cook!" Me: "I'll do my best!"

After I left, I realized I'd forgotten to ask if he'd talked about the stone in his consulting group Friday (as he'd planned to). Debating whether to ask at next session tomorrow.