Toni...

I wish to thank you for taking the time to provide me with your feedback and your advice. It has taken me a while but I am really trying to work through all of this. And, your point is well taken I need to be strong... for my kids, to attract others to me and most importantly for myself.

Admittedly I am still grieving the loss of this relationship. And, as a result I really find myself totally alone for perhaps the first time. I guess up until now I was looking at being alone as something to fear, instead of looking at it as an opportunity. I am still afraid. Of what exactly I don't know. But, I know that it is important for me to take some time, serious time, to reflect... to discover who I am and what I really want out of the rest of my life.

I also understand that I entered this relationship on the rebound of a relationship that ended very traumatically. That was perhaps the worse thing that I could of done. My counselor just shook her head upon hearing this story. She said that the time immediately following a break up is a time of grieving, a time of chaos. We are in no position to be in a relationship. We do not have the ability to judge who we want to be with, we do not have the ability to give of ourselves totally and give the person what they need out of a relationship. She also had some comments about my ex girlfriend's situation which were very enlightening to me. You see my ex girlfriend has been separated for about 5-6 years or so. She had never went through with the divorce, according to her, because she didn't want to spend the money. In addition she had an arrangement to continue covering her husband on her health insurance and in exchange he paid for her car insurance. I never really thought that much about it, figured that a divorce is just a piece of paper and that the financial arrangement seemed to be a logical and practical approach. My counselor had very strong feelings about this though, very strong. She told me that my ex girlfriend was still in limbo and was in no better position than I to take on a committed relationship. To put it bluntly she said my ex girlfriend was a married woman sleeping with another man. I don't think she meant that to say that it was the same as a married woman that was cheating on her husband, I think the point was that she is technically still married. She told me in my case I had put closure to my marriage by getting the divorce. And that my ex girlfriend did not have that same closure. And, she even suggested that this may be one reason why my ex girlfriend never really opened up to me in our physical relationship.

The more I thought about what my counselor said the more it all made sense to me. I know that all I wanted was to put an end to my marriage, put it behind me, as painful as it was not being with my kids. My ex girlfriend has not put her marriage behind her and is using the financial arrangement as an excuse not to bring the marraige to closure. By allowing her husband to continue benefiting from her health insurance is continuing to enable him and is dishonest to her employer and the insurance carrier.

Toni, you had said that a man should be strong and be confident. I agree with that and I will make every effort to regain the strength that I once had. For a while I thought it was too late. That I had let too many things go on my path of self destruction. But, I know now that it is never too late. Even if it means I have to clear out every dime of my retirement nest egg I am going to clean up all my problems.

As much as women want a man to be strong, men want women of strength as well, women that are self confident and happy with where they are in life. Looking back on it now I can see that my ex girlfriend was not as self confident and happy with her place in life as she could of been. I don't say this to put her down in any way as I surely had, and have, a great deal of these issues myself that I need to work on. But, my ex girlfriend was always expressing regret over not going to college. I mean she is almost 50 years old, I think its time to get over it. She was enrolled in a part time program but dropped out due to financial reasons. I guess the point is, either finish the study or accept it for what it is and move on. The other thing is that she was very self conscious about herself physically. I always told her how great she looked. She is an attractive woman, no doubt about that. She thought that ALL men just wanted the young hard bodies. She was constantly wishing that she had larger breasts. I was ALWAYS telling her that she should be graetful not to be too large because as she aged gravity would set in and she surely would not be happy about that. Besides she was slim and attractive and a very desirable woman. I know that a great deal of her insecurity resulted from me pushing her away. I did that because I was so depressed and didn't want to burden her. When I was suicidal I simply did not want her to be in love with me if I followed through with that. But then she took that insecurity to the extreme and accsued me of outlandish things.

I guess I write all these things to sort this whole situation out in my mind. As much as I had, and have, issues my ex girlfriend does as well. Perhaps if we met at a different time and place things would be very different. But we didn't. It is what it is and I can change that now.

I do know that I still care for her VERY deeply. I would love to remain friends with her, but I don't know if that is possible, or even id that is a good idea. I guess if we were meant to be that we will come together again somewhere down the road. Its those times alone that I miss herdearly. There is so many more things that I wanted to share with her. But, I recognize now that I must once and for all take the time alone to become the best person I can be. Then, and only then, will I be able to give of myself and be a good partner, either for her or for someone else.

Thank you again Toni for your insight and advice. I really have to cut back on this posting as I need to invest my time getting things done. I will still post but certainly not as often as I have been.