I read through all of the OP's comments and some of the other's posters...I will try to add a new thought.

Irregardless of what is happening now with N and close-minded gossip, the focus must be on you, your mental and physical well-being, and your safety. I urge you to practice self-care in anyway you can in baby steps. Focus on the present, but accept your feelings on the situation without passing judgement. That is something to work on in therapy, "how can I practice self-care and take care of my mind and body?" There is meditation and mindfulness, and there is also something I like to call "living deliberately", where each activities of daily living is fulfilled with your full attention by using all of your senses. I like that you are in a place where you can get some exercise, incorporate stretches and yoga into it. Music is always very helpful to many people, and so is cooking healthy meals. For more suggestions, conduct a google search on self-care, but to be honest, when I am at my lowest point, every action I take I give it my full attention and perceive it as if I've never done it before. Try doing so while brushing your teeth, brush with the opposite hand you normally use, feel the weight of it in your hand, and see if you can feel each bristle as you run your thumb across it, etc etc and go through the entire process feeling every tooth you brush and imagine the bad bacteria leaving your teeth as it is replaced with cleanliness and good health, etc etc.

I strongly urge you to practice self-care, you deserve it.