It’s 1:30am and I cannot stop thinking enough to go to sleep. And I didn’t sleep at all during the day today. Things I am thinking about: I totally bombed that interview because I was depressed but I have some sliver of hope that maybe I get the job anyway because I would really like it and I would be good at it and it would be low stress and a good starting point for me. I am fervently hoping and praying that I get it somehow. It’s a receptionist at a prosthodontics office. It really would be perfect. Perfect hours and perfect stress level. I wish I had done better on the interview. But what’s done is done. But I can’t get it out of my mind.

Other thing I’m thinking about: I’m head over heels In love with my boyfriend 😫😫😫. I’ve known this for awhile but it’s really hit me today. I want to tell him so badly but I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way. I’m also afraid it’s too soon. How can I be so in love with someone I just met four months ago exactly? But I feel like I’ve been in love with him since our first date. Granted I was hypomanic for the first month of our relationship but even after the hypomania faded and crashed into depression I still loved him. And now that I’m sort of stable and it’s been longer I’m definitely, definitely In love. I’m gonna try to hold out until six months to say anything because this is an adult relationship dammit and you don’t just go around throwing out I love you like it means nothing. But it means something to me. I do love him.

We haven’t had a fight yet. I know that will come In time. He’s not a hothead like my husband was, though, so I hope when we do fight it won’t be the screaming knock down drag outs I used to have with my husband. I hope it will be a civil disagreement. That will make me love him even more.

Oh god I sound like a damn teenager. I’m 31 years old believe it or not. But I haven’t felt like this since I met my husband. I knew my husband was the one the moment we started dating. I really feel like NV is “the one” number two, as it were. The second one I was meant to meet in my life.

I was hoping by writing this out I could calm down enough to sleep so sorry about all this LOL.