(Beware of abandonment and suicide triggers within.)

Just another rant here, no advice required.

Recently I've been feeling a strong desire to isolate myself. Having friends and getting hurt is too tiresome. I feel worn out from trying so hard to make things work. At the same time I so strongly want a good relationship with people because it makes me happy when I do have that. I feel like this disorder won't let me have it though.

It's been getting worse as the year goes on. Half way through the year I lost 4 people I considered friends. Two I don't really miss. One came back. One that hasn't come back and probably won't is really screwing with my head. He helped me through a tough time when I had lost someone else I was close to. Not only did he provide support for me during that time, he even tried to help me with my BPD issues. Walls of text emails and he actually read them and responded, and with good responses too, not just "ok, I hear you" type things. He challenged me to be a better person without being mean. He even tried to find games we could play together despite our very different tastes. But then... He decided to vanish. Long story short I ended up pinning him down after I basically went insane due to a dream I had where we were friends again and he said things were going rough for him IRL so he decided it was best to just cut everyone out of his life that might talk to him, and that included me. "Sometimes friends naturally part ways" he said. True, they do, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I thought he cared. He seemed to. No one has ever gone through that much trouble to try to help me. But he's gone, and so easily too, like I meant nothing. I can't shake that if someone like him can leave, what will stop anyone else?

I messed up today and let my horrible mood and my fear drive a conversation with the friend who came back recently. He made the mistake of saying "friends are friends", that there's no difference, after I asked him how he views friends. What triggered me asking was that he mentioned having new friends and they wanted to play with him so I could not until another day, which was said just 2 days after having him back after a week and a day of not having him, and I'm definitely not recovered from that yet. I have no right to keep him from having other friends or hobbies, but of course I'm jealous. I feel like I just got him back and he's already leaving me behind. I've been in this internal panic that he's going to leave because I'm not fun enough/have too many problems/any reason under the sun. And it's true, he could leave for any possible reason and I cannot prevent it.

Part of the problem is of course that these are online friendships. "Normal" people don't view them the same way I do. I truly value my online friends, but of course they're all I have, which is unusual too. I've exhausted what few resources I have IRL to find new friends. I can barely make online ones nowadays. This is all I can manage.

All of that in mind is what keeps me wishing I could just isolate. I'd still be miserable alone, but maybe it would be easier over time and then no one could abandon me. There'd be no risk of anyone being sad if I finally got the courage to off myself. Maybe it would be better overall than this constant desire for someone to care about me the way I care for them.