I'm done. I'm done feeling like this, I'm done thinking there's only one way out. I don't accept that, damn it! I'm not ****ing doomed. Just because there's no cure for me, doesn't mean I can't be content in my life. Content isn't where I'm going settle, I plan on striving for actual happiness. Until then, I just have to climb the ladder out of misery.

I've always believed that I'm an evil person, without a shadow of a doubt. There are things I've done that I can never take back, but there also things I've done as a result of others. I've always put all of the blame entirely on my shoulders because I can't allow myself to believe that others have hurt me. But you know what? People have hurt me, whatever the excuse was, they still ****ing hurt me.

"Life can be a mean drunk that way, never knows when to stop punching" -Agents of Shield. And I didn't always deserve it. I didn't always "have it coming". That's ********. How does a toddler have it ****ing coming? How does an eight year old? How does an adolescent never get anything right and is expected to know everything, and called "stupid" and "retarded" when they don't? How is my illness cause for people to abandon me? SCREW. THAT.

No, I'm not perfect and I've made so many mistakes. But I'm not evil like the voices tell me, like those people used to tell me all of the time. I want to be able to look in the mirror without disgust. I want to be alone in a house and be okay with that because I don't mind my own company. I want to be free from "My Beautiful Gaol". I think I've paid for my sins, I think I've served my sentence. Now, I just want a life, a real life, one that will have trials and tribulations but be worth every second. It's time to give a **** about me. It's time I put myself first. I deserve this chance. I have a right to be happy with myself.

There it is. I'm going to get the help I need to get a handle on this **** in my head. After that, I'm going back to school and getting my degrees. I'm going to be the person I want to be. Last night was the last time someone tells me I'm not good enough and I let it consume me. From now on, I'm the only damn opinion that matters to me in regards to my worth.