Trigger icon applied for mentions of cutting.

First of all, I have to say-- I love him.

What a wild session today.

I was talking about my cutting to T and I told him how I was having images and instrusive thoughts all day about wanting to cut as soon as I got home-- not even waiting until the night, as I usually do.

I was disappointed in his response, as I wanted him to convey more caring, more concern, and more empathy as far as understanding my pain. This began to make me very, very angry.

T asked me what I was angry about, but I didn't feel like telling him. Then he told me to just get it out and direct him at him. Don't look at the ceiling, don't look at the bookshelf, just look at him in the eyes and tell him everything I think about him right now and everything I think about him when I'm mad at him at other times.

So all of a sudden I just let loose. I called him every name in the book. I told him %#@&#! you (twice). I told him every feeling I had about his reaction to what I had said about my cutting. I cursed at him. I hurled insults. He sat there. He told me to keep going. I can't even type most of the things I said because they are way too inappropriate to place on here. He spoke a little bit. Then I said to him, "Okay. Now this is just going too far."

(Funny part coming up)

So T goes, "Too far? What's the matter? You can't take it?"

So I said, "HELL YEAH, I CAN TAKE IT." Then I smacked my hand on my knee and gestured with my arms and said to him, "SO C'MON AND GET UP."

Then we just stopped, looked at each other, and burst out into hysterical laughter. I have no idea what came over
me-- he had me so fired up that I challenged him to a brawl, hahahahahaha. It was an absolutely beautiful ending to an outpouring of anger.

We then processed about the anger and T told me all the things he had learned from it and the ways in which he can better understand what I need from him in regards to my cutting. Then he burst out laughing again and said, "You told me to get up!!!" I said, "Well, I was ready to settle this like a man!!" hahahaha

So as the session ended, I stood up and extended my hand to T. He took my hand and shook it :-)

I went off to my car and was busy getting ready to drive away, was putting in my cd, adjusting the volume, opening the window a bit, etc. All of a sudden, T comes out of the building and comes over to my car. Through the open window, he says, "Hey-- try not to cut today, okay?" And with that, he went back into the building.

At the beginning of session he made a contract with me. He said, "The contract is that when you reach your optimal stage of wellness in therapy, you are not allowed to stop coming here. I am serious."

I think I have been given a gift.