I would like some help working through old wounds that have never healed. My daughter ran away from home at 17 and I have never gotten over it. I can honestly say I have never been the same person since.

I tried to reach out for years and repair the relationship. I’ve tried several times to apologize for mistakes I made as a mother. I had her at a very young age and with no support whatsoever from any family. I put myself through college while she was very small but I was too young to be a mother and I made lots of mistakes. She has never acknowledged my apologies.

She has always shut me out. If I ever voice an opinion in any way, she won’t speak to me for months. I used to encourage her to finish high school and go to college but she wouldn’t speak to me for months afterward so I stopped. I can feel her getting annoyed if I talk about something she disagrees with and then I start nervously rambling. I cannot be myself around her or and I feel I will be punished if I overstep any boundaries.

Recently she and her new husband spent several days with hubby and me at our house. It was the most time I have seen her since she left home. She’s 30 years old now. She usually visits once or twice a year for just a couple of days. I was really excited and looking forward to this visit but I found myself completely frustrated and fed up. Long story short... It felt like I was running a hotel. I cooked, cleaned and pretty much waited on them. I felt exhausted and I felt resentful.

I don’t have a clue what’s a normal or healthy relationship with adult kids. I don’t look forward to my daughter coming back. Things are so strained and it’s painful. I constantly feel afraid that if I mess things up she won’t come back. She’s having a baby soon and I am honesty not excited about the baby. I feel fairly certain I’ll be just as shut out of the baby’s life as I have hers.

How did I go from being a mother who (many years ago...) would sacrifice anything for their child to a mother who doesn’t enjoy visits and resents doing things for their child? This last visit especially got to me. I have friends who will go to the ends of the earth for their adult kids, even if their kids treat them badly. Why I am so different? I am struggling to reconcile the guilt and shame for my past mistakes as a mother and now the guilt and shame for feeling happier when she’s not around.

On the surface we can get along. I can continue to accept things as they are. It’s what I’ve done for years now. Why do I just want to give the whole thing up? It feels like a portion of my heart has completely shut down and will never open again.