Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
I think it's impossible to feel satisfied in the relationship you describe where there is not enough time together.
Your statements in post # 9 above are the classic beliefs of a person who is chronically depressed. Life just doesn't seem worthwhile. No one can argue you out of believing this.
It takes an awful lot of effort for anyone to put together a life that feels rewarding. The catch is that you can't see the value of making that effort until after you make it. But, when we're depressed, we want a guarantee that effort will pay off before we will make an effort. Life won't give you any such warranty. You have to proceed on faith. If you've lost all faith, then you kind of are doomed to get nowhere.
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Even when we are together anymore, I already realize we'll separate and I often feel lonely and abandoned the whole time. It's making me want to just stay alone. Seeing him and then leaving hurts more than just being alone all the time. Seeing all the other couples our age already married and owning homes and having kids etc. hurts too. Being asked if we don't believe in marriage or asked where WE live (like it's so hard to believe that not everyone can live together) hurts so much.
We have no way to relate to people our age. The single ones perhaps, because that's what we are...single. Part of what put me behind was getting an advanced degree and then realizing at the end I was not good enough or smart enough or anything enough to do the job. I went on to do a job that requires an associates degree and continued doing my other job that requires no education. Sometimes I feel good enough to do these jobs but I feel shame and have to hide that I'm so educated. People find out and I just hope they don't make me feel worse about the failure that I am.
I feel like I've been making an effort. I quit a job where I actually fit in and experienced camaraderie to go back to school to get a better job. The first job didn't pay enough to live on. But I'm afraid I'll never find another environment where I fit in. But at least it would be making 3.5-4 times as much and I could actually afford to really live. Of course, this was what I was originally going to school for and quit when I realized I wasn't good enough. I'm still not good enough. No matter what I do or how much training or experience I get, I never know enough to not be stupid or am able to do enough to be competent.
But going through the shame of going back to school yet again instead of already being in a career and owning a house etc. takes some effort. But school is really lonely. Especially now that I really can't relate to anyone and I have to hide who I am. And I have to hide from people who might recognize me.
Even if I meet new people, I don't know what to say. Inevitably they ask about me...I don't want to talk about me. I'd rather talk about them or just sit and listen to others talk. I used to wish to join conversations, but I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. What would I say? I hate having an opinion with strangers because I hate having to defend it or being immediately shot down and invalidated.
I'm just tired of starting over, having to learn a new routine, having to meet new people (everyone is just a stranger most of the time). I just want to BE for a while. You know? To not always have to go into another sea of strangers...