Also wanted to add...

My parents have pretty much always been cold and detached. I'll get no emotional support from them nor will I ever be able to be myself. They did take care of my physical needs so that was great. I'm glad I never had to go hungry or worry about becoming homeless or not having new shoes/clothes when I needed them. But yeah, outside of maybe when I was a toddler, there wasn't any touch or real affection. I'm still uncomfortable with physical affection to show love. It feels unnatural. Something that could be WITHELD at a moment's notice.

I remember them and other adults trying to meddle with my ability to make friends. When I was really young, I didn't understand how other kids played, so I played alone. Then I hanging out with people who were too "old" for me, or kids with *gasp* divorced parents or even more *gasp* kids whose parents lived in an apartment and were probably in a lower class than us. Ugh. That's what I remember.

My parents were adamantly against pre-school so I had no chance to learn how to socialize with kids my age before grade school and never had a chance to separate from my mom (she was a stay at home mom). And so, I just sobbed endlessly my first day of kindergarten because I had never been away from my mom. And I spent most of grade school in the counselor's office. I was too afraid to use the bathroom at school for years and I wet myself at school at least once. I was so afraid of forgetting something, that I had a hard time leaving and had almost OCD-like tendencies to check that I had everything even if I had just seen that I had everything.

I started self-harming as a child. I don't remember how old I was but I think it was grade school some time. There was just so much pain and isolation. I spent every night in 5th grade doing homework for five hours because I wanted it to be perfect because it was ALL I HAD and I really didn't have anything better to do. By sixth grade, I really had no one to play with at recess anymore so I just sat around by myself and watched ants. So basically, I was experiencing crippling loneliness at 11 years old. I'm sure I had felt it sooner as I was so upset I would hurt myself but that's the clearest moment. No matter where I go, who I'm around, no matter what, I'm just ALONE.

There are more details of course. There always are. A lot of it is a haze. What's sad though is most of what I remember about my childhood is me being upset and lonely and left to try to comfort myself as a child who did not have those skills.