They wont understand. They don't even recognize I have bipolar. However that's their first excuse when it comes to my sister. Plus it looks kinda like attention seeking. Look at the big mess R made oh wait being hospitalized trumps that. I can't make them question if every conversation is going to be our last. I know what that feels like, it sucks. Then if they know will they spend the money to come all the way down here. They don't have that kind of money.

I've had chest crushing anxiety all day. I smashed my favorite glass on accident, dinner was horrible, most of the time I want to sit down and cry. My other sister came over for a little but left before R came because they don't get along (R kidnapped her and broke her arm in a rage.) R came over and we talked about her getting into school and all the things she needs to do in 4 days. My nephew's girlfriend texted asking for R to pay for the insurance on cat that they left for the boys.

My husband asked this morning if I still "feel that way" I told him yes and he said he'd put everything up but I found it without trying. So he'll need to do a better job tomorrow. He asked if he could hug me and told me "He need's me here." I told him I was trying. Staying alive is hard but I think I can do it. I'm hesitant to call my pnurse because I'm not sure this is depression. I don't have faith in meds. What if they make things worse? I don't think I can handle worse or a mixed episode right now. I wish SH was socially acceptable.