Lightning is a unique way. I also have unbelievably strong desires to end myself. Same as you, it feels like my destiny. My choice is to go backpacking & camping in the wilderness walking endlessly day after day eventually dying of starvation. There's a doctor who pushes for this method, saying it's not painful like people think. I love nature and want to die in a natural way. Like you, I too have the strongest desire to end it. Countless times, probably 40 or more times I was 1000000% determined to do it, but after a few days my mind calms down and I end up telling myself the same thing, that there needs to be a good enough reason to end it. So the wait goes on, day after day for something to happen. Like you, I hit myself, often. In the head pretty hard. Maybe it will knock some sense into me lol.

I don't know what to tell you except hopefully you'll be happy and at peace one day. I have to say that probably the #1 reason I'm still alive is the fear of death. My ... parents ... brainwashed me my entire childhood with religion. I've overcome that religion, but over the decades have migrated to some spiritual teachings. They say nobody goes to hell forever, but they say that people who've committed suicide go to a like minded place in the spirit world for a very long time, a very painful place. So yeah that scares me to death. I feel trapped sooo much it's painful. I don't know what the answer is. If you or somewhere finds out then let me know!