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Originally Posted by zoiecat
Hi LT. I have been following your sessions and wanting to weigh in for months now but it finally all seemwd to click for me anyway. I may be totally off and please feel free to ignore everything I say. I admire that in you. I disagree that you have anxiety over your thoughts and interpretations of what others say.
You seem to handle others comments and disagreement with you very well. I could be wrong but base this on the fact that you continue to post your sessions and put yourself out there for possible criticism. This is something I personally could never do because I am avoidant. I avoid conflict at all costs and take everything others say to me to heart even though I will never let them see that.
It appears to me that you only seem to take offense to what men or other authority think, feel, or say to you. Going way back to the thick of MC days when you were getting along and even with your old T, you seemed to always want their approval and reassurance that what you thought or felt was OK and or acceptable/normal. You used to even post that you were emailing or calling MC to receive reassurance. Maybe that is why you post on this forum as well, only you know the answer to that.
This might be a good thing to bring up in session. It seems to me to be a pattern. The whole stone issue and even the dream subject again seems to be about you wanting approval, acceptance, or reassurance that your thoughts and desires are OK. When T seems to disagree and not provide that reassurance is when you seem to feel the need to keep pushing deeper in hope of getting the answer you want to hear.
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Thanks, you make some interesting points here. I definitely am more likely to seek approval from authority figures, particularly male ones. I clearly did this with ex-MC and am doing this in some ways with current T as well. I think maybe I'm looking for the approval I was missing in childhood. And also the acceptance, as my mom's love often felt conditional.
Though I feel I want *acceptance* (which I think is different) from everyone, which I think has led to me oversharing with some real-life friends (not that all of you aren't real!), which is something that T has pointed out a couple times. Like, do I really need to tell them everything? There's this part of me that thinks "If only friend x knew y about me, they might reject me," so I think in telling them, it's like I'm testing them in a way. Which...isn't such a healthy thing to do, I know. T is telling me how I don't have to tell everyone everything, and I'm trying to do better with that (not counting on here, though even here I leave stuff out). Pretty sure it comes down to not accepting myself...
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I do agree sometimes it seems that an unusual amount of time and effort is wasted on you trying to obtain that approval and getting this T to come to your way of thinking. I may be wrong but it seems like the lack of this is what ultimately caused you to terminate with your exT and MC.
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Maybe not so much with ex-T--I think that was more that I didn't feel she was really helping me, particularly in dealing with the ex-MC attachment. With ex-MC, it was like he kept accepting me and saying everything I told him was OK until...it suddenly wasn't. And he just changed toward me. I don't know, it's more complicated than that, but don't feel like trying to go into all that right now!
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While this seems to be a pattern that causes you much pain I would consider what you really want to gain from T. If you want to stop the cycle and improve your life I think this current T is good for you. He, like my T appear to not want to spend time on things that will not push you foward. The stone in his eyes seems to only perpetuate your attachment to him but most of all has morphed into your want of approval from him that this is OK as demonstrated by your eagerness for him to seek consultation over the issue. I can only assume that this was in hope of getting him to change his mind and provide you the reassurance you were looking for.
If you really want to stop the underlying cause of this pattern, I agree that time would be better spend on discussing your childhood with T. For him to help you move forward, he needs to understand the past. It seems that you had a productive last session when you opened up about your mother and provided T the full picture. This is what he needs in order to help you heal the past and ultimately the attachment issues.
T refusal to become enmeshed in the current attachment/approval seeking behaviors is his way of trying to get you unstuck and moving forward.
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I think these are really good points--which is part of why I post threads like these, to get outside views on what I'm doing/feeling. He has talked numerous times about how he thinks attachment to him in the way I was attached to ex-MC would be unhealthy and unhelpful for me. He doesn't want to create that kind of dependency (yes, I know, some will say that his offering me twice-a-week sessions, extra sessions, e-mail, etc. could do that, but it's still different than how ex-MC was with that stuff). He's trying to give me the support I need to improve myself and my life without making me dependent, without making it about him. And I think that's what I ultimately need.
And I do think I need to talk about the past more, continue Friday's conversation (which I hope to do with him in 45 minutes).
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On the other hand if reassurance or approval is your main goal of therapy (and there is nothing wrong with that if so) then I don't think you will ever get much satisfaction from this T. It just doesn't seem like he is willing to go there.
Either way I wish you luck and hope you find the resolution you are looking for.
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Thanks! I think it's kind of like a childhood need vs. an adult need thing. Or maybe more want vs. need? Reassurance and unconditional acceptance and things like that feel good in the moment, but they aren't lasting. It's like getting a fix, a high. But then it fades and I need more, more reassurance, more proof that I'm accepted. That's the cycle I got into with ex-MC, and he kept acting like if I worked through the transference, then I could sort of rewrite stuff from my past. But it was never entirely clear what "working through it" entailed. I think I had this belief that if I could just see a male individual T (I wished for a long time that I could just see ex-MC individually...), let whatever transference happened...happen, then work through it with him, it would magically heal all those childhood wounds. But...now I'm thinking maybe that's just not the right path for me (not making any comments/judgments about other people's journeys!) I mean, unless I was with the world's most skilled transference-processing T.
And I feel I'd end up going from one T to the next, feeling let down by one, then trying to find another to sort of fulfill my unmet childhood needs...only no one can go back in time and fill them...So it would just be an ongoing, painful cycle of hope and disappointment.
So I feel like this is the equivalent of doing what's ultimately good for me, what will help me in the long run, vs. what feels good in the moment. This T has given me reassurance that he's not going anywhere, even if things feel uncomfortable to him (aside from, like, my physically threatening him, which just won't happen). That he'll be completely honest with me, which is not something I'm used to from, well, most anyone. So, that's a really longwinded way of saying that, no, this T is not perfect; no, he's not great at dealing with transference; no, he's not going to meet all of my reassurance, warm, fuzzy needs; yes, he's probably going to hurt me again--but I feel he has the potential to help me in the longer-term. And he has my best interests at heart. So I'm staying with him and seeing how it goes.