Just wonder.

During months I had felt and thought I had to kill myself for humanity sake because of the burden I was and that everyone would be better if I did and, also, that some people actually wanted me dead. It was a duty.

Now I think about it and it is a bit odd

I feel much better than months ago (I don't feel I must die anymore), I laugh a lot and have more energy to the point I look happy, but for some reason at the same time I feel a deep anguish inside, It makes no sense. Actually, I feel like laughing of my anguish, which causes me more anguish and that makes me laugh more