T today. Went back and sat down. PC came up and I said how he's a rather polarizing figure on here. He seemed bemused (we'd discussed it a bit in a recent session, too). I said how I'd started a thread about him and it was kind of amazing to me how many people commented on it. And there was such a wide range of opinions on him and my therapy. There are some really helpful insights along with some more negative things, particularly about him.

He asked how I felt about people's negative comments. I said I'd gotten better at dealing with them, that they affected me less, that I trusted my own judgment of things more. He said that sounded like a positive development. I said yes, that I also realized that people reading on here just have what I report, they're not in the room, they don't get body language or tone of voice. He said that was a good thing to realize. And he compared it to him talking to the consulting group. How he also didn't give them a full picture of me, that he wouldn't have had time to, that they just went on want he said. I said that made sense.

He said that I probably only gave small snippets of my sessions on here anyway. I was like, "Actually, I give a pretty extensive account, including random little details, like people ask if I record the sessions, and I say no." T: "Oh, OK. Probably a more detailed account than I could give!" I said how a few people had said I should write a book about my therapy experiences. And that I was thinking about it. T gave this big grin and said, "You should do it!" He said I probably have much of the writing done already. I said yeah, but that I had to figure out what the point of the book was, like what the main them was or what the conclusion would be. He said that could be something to figure out while I'm writing it. And that I'd probably figure more stuff out about the process and myself while writing it.

He started talking about good psychological memoirs, like "An Unquiet Mind" (which I've meant to read) and the one by Kurt Vonnegut's son about schizophrenia. I mentioned concerns about confidentiality. Should I write under a pseudonym? If not, then how would my mother react if some of it included her? T: "That's between you and your mother to discuss." Me: "Or what about you or ex-MC being identifiable?" T said I might have to change or leave out certain details, especially if the book bio said where I lived. But that's what book editors are for.

I said how someone on here had mentioned my looking for approval from people. T said he agreed with that. I said that person thought, and I agreed, that I tend to do that more with authority figures, not everyone. Me: "I certainly did that with ex-MC. And I do that some with you." T: "Why do you think that is?" Me: "I'm guessing something with childhood, my mom. That I didn't get the approval I wanted from her for certain things so I look for it elsewhere." He said that made sense.

I said I feel I look for acceptance from everyone though. And how I think that's what led him to say before that I overshare with people. T: "I don't think you tend to be an oversharer." Me: "Well, you said at one point a while back that you think I tend to overshare." T looked puzzled. "What did I say that about?" Me: "In reference to my telling a friend about my past infidelity? It's been at least 6 months since I talked about it with you." T:" Oh right, I remember that. But I don't think I said you overshared in general, just that you didn't necessarily have to share that one thing. I think you felt a need to share with a certain friend, to see if he'd still accept you?" Me: "Yes, you're remembering correctly." So apparently, he was just speaking about that particular topic with that particular person, not overall.

T: "Can I ask you a question?" Me: "Um, OK." T: "It seemed like with the oversharing, you were generalizing a comment I'd made about a specific thing. Do you think maybe you do that with other things I've said, too? Because if so, then I definitely see how you could feel shamed by some things I've said." Me: "Yes, I think I do tend to do that. Maybe I need to make a list of things I worry you think about me and bring it to you, see what you say..." T: "You could, I guess. Like some of the stuff you said in your e-mail Thursday night, you were saying really awful things about yourself, and I didn't think any of those things about you." Me: "Thanks. And your response helped. I think some of that was me feeling bad about myself and projecting it onto you." T: "OK. I'm sorry you felt so bad about yourself." Me: "Thanks."

Me: "Also...I feel weird saying this, like it's TMI. And I'm afraid it would make you write off whatever I was feeling, like it wasn't real. But I think some of that was affected by hormones, like...you know, a particular time of the month." T: "Even if that's the case, that doesn't make the feelings any less legitimate. You were still experiencing them." Me: "OK, thanks, that makes me feel better. I just was afraid...especially because you're a guy...you'd be more likely to dismiss them as just hormones." T: "No. If during menopause, a woman has a hot flash...does that means she's not actually hot, because it's caused by hormones? No." Me: "Good point!" T: "Besides, we're all just basically a bunch of hormones and neurotransmitters anyway!" Me: "True!"

I said how one example of me overgeneralizing something he said could be the stone. Me: "I felt like you were bothered that it made me feel connected to you, so that made me think anything that suggested a connection to you was bad. When you said recently that wasn't the case." T: "Exactly, like I said in the email, feeling connection is OK." Me: "Yes, I understand that now."

T: "You know, I'm actually surprised you didn't push me more with the stone." Me: "Really? I thought I pushed you *too* much." T: "No, not at all, you seemed to back off from it quickly." Me: "I did? I feel like I kept pushing." T: "No, not really. I was expecting you to say something like, 'So when we're both feeling OK about it, can I get the stone back then?' But you didn't." Me: "I wouldn't ask that because I'd be afraid you'd say no and then I'd feel bad." T: "Oh, sort of like don't ask the question if you're not prepared for the possible answer?" Me: "Yes, like that. I'd rather just not say anything. Plus it might not have the same meaning to me now if you gave it to me because of what's happened. Or, I would think you gave it to me just because I asked for it. I'd want you to independently decide to give it back." T: "OK, I get it."

I also said I guessed part of me sort of hoped the people in the consulting group would have been like, "No you're totally wrong in your reaction to your client. I've personally given out 100 transitional objects!" T smiled at that. I said I'm sure they wouldn't say something quite like that to him, and he said, "Well, they can be pretty blunt."

I forget how we got on this topic, I'm guessing from my mom. But he was saying how one harsh criticism said to a child can affect them throughout their lives. I said how it made me think of an oil painting class I took at a community center when I was maybe 9. And the teacher said my painting was "terrible" and my flowers looked diseased. I just assumed at that point that I could never be an artist. And was amazed when I got an A in art in 9th grade. (I'm still not an artist!) He said that teacher probably shouldn't have been working with kids, that she was too caught up in the craft.

He kept talking about some stuff along those lines, and I noticed we were almost over time. I got my phone out of my purse to schedule as he kept talking. He finally was like, "I'm not sure how I got on that topic." Me: "Well, it was interesting. But I know we have to stop." He looked at the clock and said, jokingly, "LT! Why did you let me ramble so long?" I just laughed.

He confirmed Thursday. I said I knew he was out Monday and Tuesday, that he'd said we could have done both Wed. and Fri. if I wanted. But I wasn't sure because I was seeing p-doc on Wednesday, so maybe I could see him just on Thursday? Me: "I don't know, I probably should have figured this out before session!" T was very patient with me, saying I could change later, he just wanted to get something on books and asked which way I was leaning. Me: "I don't know! If I see you just Thursday, then that kinda makes up for the 3 days last week, so...let's go with that."

As I paid, he confirmed I could switch if I changed my mind later if he still had openings. I said I also wouldn't want to take time away from other clients, like if he was trying to see them all in 3 days. He said he'd planned to work longer hours those days to accommodate them, so was OK. Shook hands, he said to have a good week, he'd see me Thursday. I said I'd see him then.