I had a little 15 minute phone chat with a therapist today, and I told her that my immediate goal was managing depression so that I could make the most of the opportunities I am given and help myself gain momentum in my career. Then she said she could take me on as a client, because she knew she could help me, having helped many people who had "depression a little bit, just enough to impact their daily functioning".

This seemed a little suspicious to me because I don't know if she was too quick to judge. I also had a feeling she saw me as, overall, quite competent. I don't know what I feel about this, because I think if she sees me as a competent, career driven individual, she won't see how desperately depressed and malfunctioning I am. I don't know if I am just a little depressed. Maybe it's more?

To give her an understanding of what lurks behind the innocuous sentence "managing depression to gain momentum in career," I then told her I wanted to deal with father issues and childhood as well, and that I have trust issues and for her not to expect me to express outwardly any signs of trust. She said that would be fine. I bit my tongue after that, because I didn't want to speak about myself, I guess.

I just think there is no point if the therapist thinks I have it all together.

I don't know truly if my depression is bad or not. Maybe it isn't so bad. I feel very strange now, because perhaps I am not so sick after all.

I don't think I will be contacting her again, though she was professional and I can see us getting along to an extent.

I just think it is a waste of money if the therapist isn't going to understand. In general it is just a waste of money. Perhaps I am not depressed at all. I don't trust this person. I don't see myself opening up, not to anyone. It is much too unnatural for me. I seem to have walls where I don't see them. I have been told I am unapproachable, hard to know, and slow to build relationships, slow to trust.

I think maybe I just have to do this myself.

I'm not sure what the point is of therapy? I'm not sure how any help will actually be received. All I see is money being stolen from me, and a blank, bored face sitting across from me waiting for the session to be over. In my experience only one therapist was kind enough to try to see me. I was supposed to be flattered that she tried, even if she failed or perhaps didn't have enough time to get to know me. The rest of the therapists I have seen only see one side to me.

I don't think I have any problems. I can't imagine speaking about self injury with that therapist or any feelings at all, really. Certainly not any issues worth speaking about. I am not sure why any therapist would waste their time on me, or why I would waste my time on them. What happens after you trust someone? I have been led to believe I have never trusted, not really. I believe if you trust a therapist, the world comes crashing down and disasters happen. That is not something I want, it is distasteful to me.

Honestly I feel just fine.