Nerak, I think not feeling able to take time for me is part of the reason that I feel down. I hadn't realized it, until you called my attention to it.

I moved into an apartment 2 weeks ago Friday, and discovered the previous owner left it very dirty. Probably the dirtiest place I've ever moved into.

Tobacco stains have to be washed off the walls, painting from the ceilings to the closets, filthy carpeting torn out. And replaced with I don't know what. I'm not working except teaching one class, and money is dwindling. My mother is paying many of my bills. I'm actually considering laying a paper floor on top of the cement and pokyurethaning it. Sounds awful, I know, but it can look like stone. If you're Martha Stewart. I'm not.

Plus, the painter keeps jacking me around. I tried to tell him that the walls needed to be washed and will need 2 coats of paint, but he got here last night and said he never promised 2 coats of paint. And it wasn't in writing.

He said the walls didn't need to be washed. So I traded washing the walls for the second coat of paint, plus a price increase. Then he got here tonight and by gosh, by golly, agreed that the walls need to be washed or the nicotine stains will show through.

So I started washing walls. Which is very hard on my interconnective tissue disorder.

And for fun, I hang out on an air mattress on the floor, with my computer.

Meanwhile, I feel as if my life is on hold, It's hard to plan my lessons, no less send out job apps. I have no pots or pans for cooking: I borrowed a knife, fork, spoon, small plate, and bowl from my friend next door. I feel like I'm in Angola prison.

Of course, this is quite my fault for not speaking up about my needs. When my friend learned I had nothing to cook on she gave me the key to her apartment and told me to come in any time. I've stayed with her on and off since Nov. and took care of her cat while she was gone a week -- but when she asked for the key when she returned, I didn't speak up!

Asking for help is hard, isn't it?

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed that.

Time for me -- maybe someday.