Thank you so much for helping me out.

My problem lies in my development as a child. I was supposed to learn to socialize as a child, to play with other children, to learn skills like sports and good communication. I didn't, I was instead forced to be outside only for school. Nobody came my home at that time (and frankly as I have entered college since two years nobody from my college does either) and I didn't visit anybody's home. I found myself watching cartoons all day. I have squint now, due to all screen abuse I did as an escape mechanism.

Now because of all that, my inexperience as a child to socialize and be independent, I have deep anxiety, rooted in my brain's structural abnormalities. I am left with questions like, "How am I supposed to fill forms with my terrible handwriting? Wouldn't it be a waste of time and paper?" and people mock me when I go outside, simply because they have a mental image of me being retarded. Which frankly I may be. No official word yet.

I still have dreams of my high school friends. I don't know why but it's like literally every day I dream of my love interests now. I am left dwelling in the past, where it wasn't this bad. Maybe I can still win them, I just need to get out of this environment. But my parents and the environment in general triggers my mental illness, and I forget everything I read. Worse, I lose hope to get into med school, hence I believe the "mood swings" I get.

I want to be a doctor, and I want to save people's lives. That's all. For myself yes I have dreams, like owning a Classic 350 and actually riding it frequently. I also don't want to marry but be in a relationship. It's all very hard when you find yourself in a situation like mine, where everyone just tells you to lose hope. That you're not worth their time. Just eating white lies that there's nothing wrong with you, because they wouldn't want you to commit suicidal because that's illegal.