Hi.
I dont feel i deserve to post in this subforum for some reason. I dont feel like what i went through is bad enough... or maybe i feel like i desrved what happened to me... anyhow.

Ive been told i have 'emotional deprivation' as a schema issue. So something went horribly wrong in my first two years of life.
I believe this is highly likely due to my father who is a malignant narcissist and my mum who is has undiagnosed issues that seem uncanningly similar to my own.

So my current therapy is aimed at helping me work through the sustained trauma of surviving under the same roof as my parents. In particular were focussing on my; avoidant personality disorder.

But i cant trust the therapist. She seems smart.. and knowledgeable. Shes nice....
But i keep seeing my dad in her. I keep wandering if her 'caring attitutude' is iust a facade and shes actually a psychopath there to toy with me and undo me piece by piece like my father did.
I have major trust issues that are only becoming apparent to me in the last month or so.
I dont even trust my best friend

People get one chance with me. And if they do one thing out of line - even if it turns out i was being delusional and got the wrong end of the stick- it doesnt matter: they are on my blacklist of people to trust and they wont get the real me.. theyll get a version of myself i believe will be acceptable to them instead.
I will lock up my real emotions and feelings and keep them at a distance as i dont want to get hurt anymore.

How do i learn to trust others? I have an extremley strong confirmation bias. If 20 people show me kindness i think theyre trying to exploit me or are taking the piss or pitying me.
Then the one person is unkind to me - well i almost like them as at least i feel like theyre being honest with how they feel about me.

I dont know how to begin trusting. I dont think i ever have trusted people as these problems i have stem from before i even have memories.
Im feeling stuck.

C5