I'm going to only use word from now on!

I told him that I couldn’t do three sessions long term, and as long as I wasn’t actively suicidal I couldn’t justify the extra cost. Then that I had booked my flight ticket back home for Wednesday the 18th as ticket prices were insanely high at the moment and it was as much as an £80 difference, so it made sense to wait a week when they had more than halved. As it was a late flight I’d come back by 12pm as I live an hour and a half away from the airport. I said I didn’t want the session the next day on Thursday as I’d told my mother I was no longer seeing him and it would be hard to just disappear for 3 hours the day I just got back (he lives an hour away from me) I’d like to see him on Tuesday for just one session. I also said that I had paid my brother’s deposit for accommodation.

He asked if I was acting out by withholding payment, and wanted to charge me for the missed sessions (he’s never done that before, we've always just rescheduled ). He said that he felt like I was sending a message to him that he was worthless that I didn’t need him that I had better things to spend the money on.

I said I wasn't made of money.That I wasn't working- I only got £250 a month from my grandmother and £150 from my father sometimes, it would the same as him paying his mortgage first before anything else.

R: He said it felt like I was trying to bully him with money.
S:Okay.
R: Maybe you’re hoping that I would change, that he would come to me and say please don’t leave I need you.
S:Yeah you really need me to boost your ego and tell you how hot you are.
R:You want me to say okay I won’t go on holiday.
S: I’m not saying that, you can go on holiday for as much as you want just make sure you actually leave something in place for me and not make it sound like im asking for something that’s so impossible.
R:well many times I’ve asked you what would that look like, what is it that you require? (I asked for email contact before).
S: yes, but it’s not like you’re going to listen to me, you’re just going to go anyway/
R: you want me to be in place when im not here. You want to pretend as though I’m not on a break and that actually I am available to you whenever you need me.
Skay, so we’re just pretending then.
R: is that what you want?
S: I just want to know that you’re still there, that nothing bad has happened to you.
R:I think you also want me to know that you’re still there. The thought of me going and doing something somewhere else with other people horrifies you. You want to be a part of that.you know you can’t be a physical part of that, but there is something you can do that means you’re not forgotten and it feels so unfair to be left out.
S: whatever. A therapist going on holiday is not the same as a doctor going on holiday. Doctors are replaceable you can just get somebody else to take your place.
R: and you’re going to notice my not being here.
S: obviously.
R: and what does that gonna be like?
S: the way it’s always been. S you’re on your own. And you’re actually going for a very long time, this is the longest you’ve been away for so don’t expect me not to react.
R: I do expect you to react, but I also hope you’ll be able to talk about it.
S: that’s what im doing now
R: and I appreciate that , so how long does it take for you to feel sufficiently lonely that you need to check to see that I’m still alive.
S: don’t know. It depends.
R: sometimes the weekends seem too long.
S: okay then. Im just tired
R : tired or bored?
S: tired. So why do I have to be charged for missing sessions, but you get to go on breaks whenever you want?
R: it seems like you’re unhappy
S: oh well let’s just say from tomorrow I’m going on holiday
R: many times you tell me you’re going to cancel but you do come.
S: well this time I mean it for real, so don’t call me. And why are you dragging this whole plan thing like it’s some big elaborate thing. It’s either yes S you can email me or no you can’t.
R: it’s striking how on one hand you don’t really care, you don’t need me or care, but on the other you really really do care. This idea of a plan doesn’t seem very meaningful to me. It doesn’t seem to have a real purpose other than to be a cause to rally behind, a reason to be unhappy.
S: okay I’ve found my cause then.
R: and what benefit does that bring you?
Skay just turn this on me. I need you to but you’re choosing to leave me.
R: huh?
S: nothing.
R: it seems like you’re upset with me.
S: yeah I am. For you being so dumb.
R: being dumb?
S: is it really that hard to get?
R: it would be easier to tell me.
S: I am telling you. ((Crying starts)) Anyway I don’t want to see you anymore and I want my therapy notes as well.
Silence for around 5 mins
R: your distressed.
S: no I’m not. I’m fine (more crying)
R: you seem overcome with sadness, it seems like you’re telling me that you want me. You need me. I’m telling you you can. You want me to reciprocate and it feels humiliating to you that I can be so stubborn, so blind.
R:you’re oscillating between whether to trust me or whether to hate me.
S: quoting him from before “that’s what you’re an oscillator”
R: no so bad is it? You’re trying to work out if I’m a decent guy or whether I’m a bastard. You want to believe that I’m okay but it’s hard. You feel the notes will give you an insight into what I really think of you and that will help steer you in the right direction. Maybe you also wonder if I get kick out of developing some kind of dependency in you then leaving you just to watch you squirm. I think there is a part of you that recognises this as just part of the process, part of you trusts me, but only for a moment then the walls go up again.
S: there’s this poem by Pablo Nerdua that goes: I don’t love you except because I love you. I go from loving you to not loving you. From waiting to not waiting for you. Then he’s like I hate you deeply and hating you bend to you. I do not see you but love you blindly. That’s just what comes to me now.
R: and you think that’s appropriate? You want to send it to me
S: no. it goes on: in this part of the story I am the the one who dies.
R: you’ve talking about an all consuming kind of love that exhausts everything around it like fire.
S: It ends “because I love you in fire and blood.” This is why he’s my favourite poet.
R: why won’t you send it to me?
S: it’s a love poem, but he’s written 20 love poems and song of despair so you can google it yourself.
R: I will look it up. Maybe one day I will listen to the therapy song as well (niles crane singing).
S: you haven’t have you? ( I sent this ages ago)
R: maybe one day I’ll send you your notes.
S: yeah well technically you have 30 days- they changed it in may 2018. Well anyway it was nice knowing you and I hope you have fun and a wonderful holiday. I’m going on one tomorrow as well so bye.