sujunew, that situation sounds so hard, yet so often happens in divorces when there are kids. Can you have a heart to heart talk with Dad and tell him plainly how hurtful this will be for your 8 y.o. daughter? Just let him know you want to put the girls' interests first, and it would be so important to your older daughter to be an "equal" in the ceremony. Maybe it is not too late to change her role and/or her dress.

If that doesn't work, I would try to pitch this to your 8 y.o. as diplomatically as possible. Perhaps tell her the "little girls" have one role, whereas since she is the oldest, she has a different role and dress. (Perhaps the fairy dress is very beautiful too.) Maybe she could still be a bridesmaid and stand with the other girls during the ceremony but wear the fairy dress--a compromise?