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sunrise said:
Perhaps tell her the "little girls" have one role, whereas since she is the oldest, she has a different role and dress.

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thanks sunrise. This is a great idea, and one that I know for sure will appeal to her. I have had a hellish evening with her- she had been in her room since lunchtime, and completely trashed it- everything emptied out of her drawers, wardrobe and shelves onto the floor. After tantrums and refusal to clean it up she went into time out while I tidied up. After it was all done we had a talk. Turns out the only reason she did all of this was so her father could come here and see her (she thought if she was naughty enough I would cave in and ask him for help, which didn't happen!!). He wouldn't care anyway. He has stated in the past that he has his new family and that they come 1st. One night she was very violent towards her little sister. (She was put into CPS care after ex and I split coz she was so violent she could easily have killed 3yo). I asked for litlle sis to go to his place for the night (he had given his assurance to CPS in the past that should this be necessary then it would be fine). Turns out it didn't suit this time (about the 2nd time I ever asked him)...he wanted to start work early in the morning. When he was challenged about his responsibilities as a father his excuse was that if his step daughter was sick he would take the day off to care for her; but coz HIS 3yo doesn't live with him then he was not prepared to start work 1/2-1hr later. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. So yeah, no heart-to-hearts with him about any of this...