I had a fight with my daughter this evening. She's 10 1/2 going on 16. I know she's got hormones going galore (though my husband refuses to believe this) even if the pediatrician just told me a couple weeks ago that she believes my daughter will be starting her cycle before her birthday in mid-December based on her development, and we have a great pediatrician.

I wanted my daughter to take her bath. She always takes it before dinner because she is such a slow eater that taking it after dinner keeps her up forever and makes bedtime tricky.

Today was a hard day for me. I accidentally double-dosed my morning meds, which included the Adderall which made me manicky and antsy. Thank God, my Klonopin dose finally calmed it down. I should have taken it sooner rather than waiting for the usual 2 PM to take the 2 mg of it (the others, I take 1 mg in the morning, 1 at night), well, I guess it was 2 mg this morning since I just poured the wrong day of out of the pill box and swallowed it then later saw the pills in the Wednesday section, and thought, oh, no, I didn't take my meds and took them again. When I going really antsy, I realized it.

Anyway, I had to rush to get my daughter to camp from 12-3. It means leaving the house at 11:30 AM and getting her lunch ready by 10:45 because she is such a slow eater.

Before starting dinner, my daughter was playing a computer game. I came in and asked, "When you get to a good point..." and then started getting screamed at and my husband was sharp with me saying, "Not now! Can't you tell it's a bad time?" (For the record, no, I could not.) They didn't even let me finish my sentence, which was going to be to say, "When you have a good time for a break, let me know, so I can help you with your bath." Because of her sensory issues, I help out my daughter more than I should. She hates change, but each one is one battle at a time. My husband got all on my case like this computer game is important to her, she was at a critical point, couldn't you stop a minute and see what she was doing (I have no idea what this game is even about so I couldn't tell a good moment from a bad one if I tried). He continued to say I was to blame for our daughter yelling and getting upset. I was then upset and crying.

He NEVER backs me up when it comes to parenting. He always, always sides with my daughter. If I don't start getting these things done, we'd be eating at 9 PM and going to sleep after 11 PM. When I tell my daughter it's bedtime, she yells and fights me, and my husband is like, you don't need to be so harsh with her, but he never tells her she should not constantly yell at me, it upsets me and that yes, she needs to get ready for bed, it's time. I have to be the disciplinarian, the "mean, not fun" parent. Even though I have only once even spanked my daughter, when she was in pre-school and being deliberately mean to our cat and I'd told her time and again not to be doing such and such to the cat.

I feel like my husband sometimes thinks because I'm bipolar and on all these meds, I'm just automatically wrong when it comes to parenting our daughter. I think she needs routines and consistency, a proper bedtime, not just rules here and there whenever they fit the parent's needs. If I would get even an iota of support from him with parenting, it would hurt less, but he never takes my side and is always telling my daughter she was right, I was wrong. I don't claim to be a perfect parent. Yes, sometimes, I am wrong. But sometimes, I think he is, and my voice never gets heard, he won't listen to my point of view or have my daughter believe it has any validity.

I am so upset about this fight this evening with the both of them. Cooking for this family is so stressful. With her sensory issues, my daughter will eat no combined foods. If I can't pull it out plain while I'm cooking, I have to plan a separate meal for her. My husband will not eat potatoes, sweet peas, casseroles, or any recipes from the slow cooker. Cooking is super stressful for me because of all of this. That is why I hate cooking so much. It's like triple the work than for a normal family meal.

I know my husband loves me. I know my daughter loves me. I love them. It's just I would love it if my parenting choices weren't wrong all the time, if my husband didn't keep calling me too strict and telling me I'm wrong, especially in front of our daughter (I have told him this many times, and he keeps to the view that he is right). I'm not strict at all compared to many parents. My daughter's room is a mess. Who cleans it? Me. She won't get herself ready in the morning. Who picks out her clothes and prods her along? Me, even though I have told hubby time & again that by the time we were both 10 1/2, we were dressing ourselves. She won't brush out her hair. I have to do it. She won't shower (doesn't like the water in her face) and only recently started washing her own hair (under the faucet), but she doesn't do the greatest job of getting the shampoo out, so I have to be there telling her to rinse X place again, and oftentimes, she yells at me about that. She won't brush the tangles out of her hair. I have to do that. I have to prompt her along to get ready for bed. I feel like I am no fun and just totally mean as a parent and that my daughter loves my husband more than she does me.

I'm not creative with her the way he is. I don't understand the computer games and iPad games she plays because that is his thing and he bought and got her started on all the games she plays. Often, I'm tired. Sometimes, the med changes have me with moods all over the place. My stupid period comes every 21 days, and I get terrible PMS. Half the month, I'm on my period or having PMS. My husband acts like PMS is just a convenient excuse I throw out there and not something real and hard to deal with. Sometimes, I do fun stuff with my daughter, but other times, I will suggest things and it's no, no, no, I don't want to do that. She is outgrowing most of her toys and doesn't want to part with any. This would be such a huge help cleaning her room. Again, my husband takes her side and tells me to be more creative organizing when the stupid psych meds have killed nearly all of my creativity.

Sorry for the vent. I feel upset and sick to my stomach this evening

I was going to read more of my book club book this evening, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society, which I am enjoying. The meeting is Monday though, so I don't have a lot of time left to finish it. And with being upset this evening, I don't know if I will be able to read...sigh.