Interesting topic considering my first post here...

This question, in my mind, is twofold. One, does any member of my treatment team get angry with me? And, two, how do they express that anger?

I am not sure if I would use the word anger. I would rather choose to believe that they get frustrated. But, truth be told, as human beings, anger is an emotion we all experience from time to time. If using the term anger, I think my team has gotten angry with my behaviors, but not necessarily with me. Where I am concerned, I definitely think they experience more frustration than anger. That being said, the situation I posted about earlier regarding C (my coach) definitely indicates something more than frustration - her response and subsequent lack of response was more passionate and, to me, passion can be synonymous with anger. But, even though I have been negatively impacted by that situation and have been hurt, I still believe she was more angry with my behavior than with me as my core person.

My T has gotten frustrated with my behavior. I tend to dissociate quite a bit with her and can be avoidant and resistant. I know that I have a tendency to test her and to push her away - even more so when there is something significant going on. I struggle to communicate effectively and wind up acting out in an effort to get my needs met. But, it comes out sideways and is frustrating for her as she knows there is something serious going on, but I fight her and resist the help she is offering. We have talked about how she is frustrated in those moments. But, she has also made sure to explain where her frustration comes from and she has taken time to ensure I understand that her frustration does not change our relationship. She reminds me that all sorts of emotions are normal and expected in relationships and that not all of those feelings are positive. And, she has been consistent in teaching me that there can be disagreements and ruptures, but that it does not mean that she will stop working with me, go away, or outright abandon me. She also has really good boundaries and is healthy from an emotional standpoint.

I don't know that my T has ever truly been angry with me. She has been angry with my eating disorder and she has expressed anger around traumatic experiences I have had. But, she's never shown anger towards and has never directed anger at me. This is not to say she has not raised her voice; she has. In times where I cannot be reached or am acting out, she has raised her voice. But, it has been with the sole intention of getting my attention and stopped a potentially harmful behavior. She has never been judgmental or shaming, but she has been firm and direct. And, while I have found people raising their voices or "yelling" to be scary in many situations, I've never felt threatened or unsafe in her presence. Nor have I felt that her behavior came from a place of anger.

My RD (dietitian) has gotten frustrated with my eating disorder. She has gotten frustrated by my inability to follow my meal plan, my willfulness, and my resistance to accepting her professional opinion on things (mainly surrounding the need for medical intervention). She has never raised her voice and has never appeared angry. That being said, she is a very direct individual and I also know that she will not coddle me. She has expressed concern over treating me at an outpatient level and she has stated that she is frustrated and has felt ineffective due to my lack of progress. But, again, I have never really felt as though she was angry with me. Where my T is more emotional, my RD is very even keeled. She is warm and absolutely offers reassurance, care, and concern. But, she's not one to be dramatic. And, I don't see her getting angry. Again, I think she is very stable with healthy boundaries.

I already posted about my C. And, I don't know that it would be helpful to rehash that again here. Additionally, I am not sure that my feelings about the situation have settled enough for me to be objective. Do I think she has gotten angry with me? Yes. Do I think her anger is really about me as a person? No. I think she is not as emotionally healthy and I think her own emotions get in her way. And, while, now, that has caused me much hurt, her passion and connection to her own emotions is what has helped me most. So, I suppose that goes to show that anger is not always a negative emotion. If used properly, it can be healing and used as a catalyst for change. When used incorrectly, though, we have situations such as the one I am experiencing now. And, that is very difficult on many levels.

Anger is a natural human emotion. It is healthy and it is necessary. In the end, it's how that anger is expressed that makes all the difference. So, whether my team has been angry with me or not, I think the takeaway is that we continue to talk about what brings about those emotions so that I can continue to grow and heal. And, even in the trying times, such as the situation with C, there is something to be learned. If there isn't, that would indicate to me that I need to move on from that team member as well as assess my own behavior to determine what it is I need and how to best achieve that. And, above all, I think the most important lesson is to learn that I, too, can experience anger and frustration. Just as it is the responsibility of my team to manage their emotions, it is my responsibility to be honest and work towards understanding and managing my own.