It is the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde act is what keeps people in abusive marriage for decades. If things are consistently bad.....everyone would say "enough" and leave. How can anyone lay a solid foundation for relationship if the ground itself is shaky?

Your husband probably needs mental health help, but if he has refused therapy for years, then he will not consider it...atleast not in current situation.

Consulting a therapist is a good idea and he/she would help you carefully plan your next step.

Good luck.