I may email back and request another phone call to express these concerns before committing.

If anything, therapy might help me refine how I consider my childhood. I am beginning to think nothing was wrong, perhaps I was unable to read the cultural nuances, but there are many ways to shape hindsight, almost too many. Some of it was pathetic and cruel, and sometimes I feel very sad remembering how pathetic I was. It seems that in some aspects I never stood a chance.

I think the problem is that I want to be seen in therapy, in real life, too. That is, I think, perhaps unreasonable. The only one who can see me is myself. I think I deeply ache to be seen because I have always been very separate from others, even separate from myself. But I just can't have this, because it's unreasonable.

If I don't agree with the therapist, I won't listen. Simple. After all, I have always tried and mostly succeeded at having an independent mind, even as a child. I think that my need to starkly stand independently from others is a trait I have always had.

I wonder if it's even possible to be seen and maintain independence simultaneously. I know it's possible to be dependent without being seen.

Work has been going a little bit better, better socializing with men. I am trying to be patient in my growth so that I don't injure myself by trying too hard too quickly. I am trying to maintain a high standard, a controlled marathon.

Again I realize I am mostly talking to myself here. Only I can understand myself 100%. But it is good to write. And I want to believe that speaking makes a difference. Perhaps if I believe that, I also believe that the silence enforced in my childhood can be overcome.