Hi Cln1812,
I have never had children, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
The greatest gift you can give your daughter is a sense of independence or autonomy.
Strictly as an observer it seems like she has no consequences for her choices/actions. You do for her what she won’t do for herself or you try to “push” her to do what you want. This makes you both unhappy. Could you let her experience the repercussions of her choices including appropriate punishment for her actions (for example: no gaming until her room is cleaned - without any pushing or yelling or prodding on your part)? I bet she would only go to school/camp once with tangles in her hair. That doesn’t mean you turn your back on her, but let her deal with her own hair, including getting all the shampoo out. If shampoo gets left in, it isn’t the end of the world, and she will be the one dealing with gummy hair. She will eventually learn she is responsible for her choices. This will be a great asset when she gets older.
If she doesn’t get ready in time to go to day camp, she doesn’t go. So be it. Let your husband look after her on those afternoons, while you go out. This is a great opportunity to teach her self responsibility, especially if she enjoys camp. Better to use camp as a teaching tool, rather than school.
This feeling of dependence could torture her in her teen years, as she will yearn for independence without knowing how to be independent.
It kind of sounds like you use her sensory issues as an excuse for her being dependent, and that is not serving her at all.
Sorry if I come across rather harshly, that isn’t my intent as I can see you love your daughter dearly. I can also see there are many more issues than these few I so cheekily point out. Not having the support, and even downright disrespect of your husband adds a very difficult layer onto an already difficult situation.
With utmost respect for what you are going thru,
Colleen