Hi Lavender! This is my first post. I hope this is the right place to start. I have bipolar disorder 1-severe. I was diagnosed around 20 years ago. I have been unlucky controlling my bipolar. I have taken so many meds it's hard to remember them all. Recently, I have been suffering with depression. 6 months. It's hard to lose 6 months of your life to depression. I have been taking lyrica and something else (can't remember right this moment because it's a new med for me. Nothing is helping.

Went to Psychiatrist today and she wants to take me off lyrica because it is causing my tongue to move rapidly without cause. The meds aren't helping.

Wants me to try lamictal. I'm afraid of it because of the rash thing but I am too sick to not try it. Either that or ECT. Never ECT for me again. It was a horrible experience and it caused extreme mania. Plus I forgot a lot of memories that were special to me.

I have two sisters with bipolar. 1 Bipolar II and 1 Bipolar 1. Both are on lamictal so I am going to try it as a mood stabilizer.

I am unable to work and since being so depressed I haven't been able to do much cleaning and I am a clean freak when not depressed.

I used to hate myself but I got thru that mostly. Only when I am extremely depressed do I put myself thru all of that.

Right now, I am a counter. I count all the time. I also get song stuck in my head and keep repeating it. I repeat things in my head a lot as well.

I talk to myself out loud. Gets really embarrassing. Do it in stores too. People give me the "look" and i realize what I am doing. Geez.

That's a lot to disclose. But this is me. I look forward to sharing and reading on this site. I think it will help me be honest what I am going through. My son helps me a lot when depressed. He vacuums, goes grocery shopping and helps me not feel bad when I need to sleep. I love him so much. He's going to be a doctor. Maybe he can finally enjoy his life now. I hate he has seen me at my worse but what can I do?

Wish I could sleep. It's 4:20am. Goodnight.