Jello, I am sorry you are so sad and hurting. I agree with your T--you have been very strong and I am proud!

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MzJelloFluff said:
Now i can see that what i thot was the pinnacle of painful effort is just one of many hills i must repeatedly climb.. i am going to have to say things over and over and over... i cant do this.. i cant

i cant keep having to relive it over and over... dear god.. is there no end?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">No, you don't have to keep reliving it. Have you definitely decided to get a divorce? If so, as you work out the details of your settlement, there becomes less and less reason to have contact, at least if there are no kids. (If you have kids, it is a different story, as you must continue to have contact and co-parent for life.) But you have never mentioned kids, so if you don't have any, the news is good, yes you will stop having to deal with him over and over again.

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what do i DO? do i get mean? yell?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">You set boundaries. That has been very hard for me to learn to do, and I still am getting a D grade. It is hard to set boundaries during the demise of a relationship when you have never had them during the relationship. Your T can help you with this. Think about what boundaries you would like to set. It sounds like you are already setting one by limiting the phone calls. Good! (But make sure he understands it is not just a budget issue, but that his frequent phone calls are intrusive and you need a greater degree of separation at this time.) It is also good that he has moved far away from you--less opportunity to speak in person with him. Good!

Is your H staying with you while he is in town for his visit? If so, this seems like another boundary you can set. If he must visit you, he needs to stay in a motel. You can meet in a public place, such as a coffeehouse, during his visits to work out the business details of your separation (or whatever is his reason for visiting). Or if he is attending your gallery opening, and you have permitted that, you can see him in that public forum, or you can go out to dinner in a restaurant, etc.

It sounds like one problem is that even though you tell your H you want less contact, he doesn't get it. Is that true? Maybe you need to try to explain things differently. Maybe telling him how he makes you feel would help.(Do you do that?) For example, tell him that you can't keep having so much contact with him because it makes you feel awful, trapped, depressed, whatever... That is not being mean. Tell him how his actions affect you. Maybe you have.... You can also try harder not to make supportive gestures. That may be giving him a mixed message. Just be neutral--not cruel, not supportive.

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So if i push really hard while he is here, then he might start in and i have two more days with him. i have been standing my ground, but i know i wouldn't if he got mad..

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I understand completely about the anger. It is hard for me not to fall into old patterns when my H gets angry at me. Limiting your face to face contact to public places might help him control his anger better. I understand about not pushing these last two days. Do what you need to do. When he is away, you can push harder on the phone or in an email, for example, tell him you do not want him to come to your April graduation.

(Sheesh, I give all these suggestions and cannot do half of them myself...)

JelloFluff, you are surviving. You have done good!



P.S. To MissCharlotte--yes, who is that guy?