Hi, I am completely new to this forum and any kind of anxiety/mental health issues forum in general so I apologize if this post is miscategorized.

Some background: I have suffered with at times and dealt with at other times anxiety, including panic attacks for likely my entire life but have only been dealing with it in some form or fashion for the past 7 years. I've been on Lexapro, for 7 years, 10mg for 5 and 20mg for 2, and I fear it is losing its effectiveness. I have also been in therapy with a wonderful LCSW for nearly 4 years now on a weekly basis. I started the therapy after my divorce from my wife and partner of 17 years and it has been helpful. I'm very good at being mindful and identifying my issues. But I am not good at accepting them and have been treating them as something to beat, kill, excise rather than accepting them as part of me. I truly am at a loss to do that effectively. I am new to meditation but am trying despite the frustrations of not being able to do it for very long or regularly. I am also trying to exercise more, take vitamins, eat better, and drink much less. Recently I have come to rely on taking Xanax far more often than ever before (.5mg at a time - once a day but not every day) whereas I used to reserve it for strong bouts of anxiety or panic attacks.

I have been going through a rough patch recently, which in addition to some stressors in my life, I believe has a lot to do with my new relationship. I've spent the last nearly 4 years since my divorce dating people (one of which I had a serious relationship with and foolishly married in a desperate attempt to recreate my old life but we divorced almost immediately) whom I did not have strong feelings for, people who could not hurt me as I was by my ex-wife's betrayal and leaving, and I did not experience much or really any relationship anxiety. I realize now I did this to protect myself even though I wasn't fully concious of it.

However, I have been dating and have fallen in love with a truly wonderful woman who excites me on all levels and we've had a great time together and I feel are building a lasting relationship. It's only been 4 months, and we are both cautious and have slowly let more walls down and have expressed our love for each other. We're not at a point of introducing our children to one another, and that seems a ways off but it's been a great relationship, and she has been nothing but loving and supportive the entire time. I say this just to explain that she has not put off any vibes or indicators that anything is amiss and has behaved in a completely trustworthy and faithful manner. Just typing this makes me feel like an idiot for the level of anxiety I am having. She is not as expressive in words as I am, but she does express her feelings to me often.

Despite all of this, I have been in a near constant state of anxiety for a couple of months now and it started as we grew closer. It has reached a point in the last several weeks where it is a constant companion, like a low grade fever, and at least once a day spikes to a feeling of high anxiety. I am having a hard time feeling joy in anything as a result and am stuck in survival mode, working, taking care of my children, my home, etc. - yet there are periods of time when I do feel good - when I am distracted enough to let go, but they are rare.

I fit the Anxious-Attached style completely and am very aware of my own roots in it from my childhood experiences with a mother that experienced violent rages and could flip at any moment and a distant father. My own wife, who I will admit I turned into more of a caretaker than partner over the years, leaving me for someone else reinforced this and exacerbated it and I am experiencing some PTSD in this new relationship from that.

I find myself very reluctant to discuss my issues with my girlfriend as she has expressed a desire to not experience another co-dependent relationship like she had with her ex-husband and also because I see my anxiety issues as a weakness and undesirable trait and I fear her "getting sick of me" and leaving me if I express my feelings about them to her. Which is hard as I also crave her reassurance.

I am hoping that in posting this here I will hear from others who have dealt with these issues and can offer me their experiences and advice. I'm sorry this was so long.