This is sadly relatable for me.

I don't know if you have come to the same realization as me or not, but, what I myself have realized is that no matter how much knowledge you obtain, no matter how deeply you understand people and how they work--that knowledge is not really helping you obtain happiness or connection or any other meaningful positive outcome... it is only helping you escape from conflict and protect yourself from loss.

So no matter how much you have learned, you still have to set all that knowledge aside and just allow the feelings to flow naturally.

I think you should really explore your feelings about your mom. After all that is where all of this started, right?

Someone shared a quote with me today that is relevant: