Hello iliketherain,

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now.

I don't know if I have any valuable advice for you, but I went through something fairly similar. I too have a difficult relationship with my parents (there was some emotional abuse/neglect and questionable sexual behaviour when I was growing up. There were also numerous abandonments) and as a result, I ended up forming insecure attachments. The first such insecure attachment was with my ex and first boyfriend, who I was with for four years at university. We lived together for two years and I couldn't fathom life without him. We became enmeshed, I ended up neglecting my own emotional needs and ultimately I forgot who I was when I wasn't with him. When he broke up with me (for someone else), I lost myself completely and dived headfirst into the worst depression of my life. It was horrible and I blocked out most of it...I only remember snippets of how I felt. Because of the abandonment from my childhood, his rejection felt like somebody had pointed a gun at me and I was on edge all the time. I wasn't a functional human being and I wanted to die. I was 22 years old.

Fast forward to three years later. After numerous other painful life lessons, I finally came to the realization that one cannot be happy in a relationship if one is not happy with who they are. For me, that breakup was the hardest thing I had to go through but it was also the best thing. It kind of tore me apart completely and then I had to build myself up from scratch. I learned more about myself after things ended than when I was with him. I'm not saying I'm in a happy place now, because I'm not. But unhappiness seems somehow less scary when you know where it comes from.

I guess what I am trying to say is that when we are afraid of something bad happening, we tend to lose sight of our own capacity for growth and change. Your boyfriend is your equal, not your superior. You have as much value as he does and your emotional needs matter as much as his. From what I have read in your post, he seems to make all the decisions and you seem to accept them (even if they make you feel horrible) because you are afraid of losing him. I get it, I really do. I did this too with my ex. I placed him on a pedestal and sat at his feet waiting for him to make his mind up, terrified that I might lose him. But then I did lose him and eventually, I was fine.

My advice to you, and I'm sorry if I'm overstepping, is to take some time to focus on yourself. Whether you end things with him or not is your call, but I think that the only way you will find happiness is to first look for it within yourself. Nobody should have this much power over you. I don't know you, but I can tell, from what you have written, that you are a strong, beautiful, kind human being who deserves to be happy as much as anyone. It won't be easy to get to a place where you are happy with yourself, but as long as you take baby steps, it is achievable.

Have you ever considered looking for a therapist? For years I was very much against this idea because my parents were never that keen on mental health professionals. But when it finally got bad enough, I went. My therapist helped me navigate through years and years of dysfunctional relationships, self-sabotaging ways of thinking, attachment issues, childhood trauma etc. It won't necessarily make you immediately happier or fix our relationship troubles, but making decisions about life from a place of rational understanding is infinitely better than making decisions out of fear that you might lose someone. I cannot recommend this enough.

I'm sorry if this is not the reply you were looking for. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

All the best to you.

Edit: I know you mentioned that you are broken up, so when I said it's your decision whether you want to end things or not, I was referring more to cutting contact for a while. His response to this whole thing angers me a little....you can't have your cake and eat it too. He says you are broken up but that he still wants to be with you if you change. It must be awfully confusing for you, and hurtful too. You shouldn't expect someone to change in order to be with them. You either stick with them through thick and thin, or you don't. From my experience, this type of non-committal, conditional relationship does more harm than good. Getting distance from him, whether you decide to keep him in your life or not, would probably be good for you. Again, I'm sorry if I'm overstepping. I know how defensive I got of my ex when others said bad things about him.