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It sounds like one problem is that even though you tell your H you want less contact, he doesn't get it. Is that true? Maybe you need to try to explain things differently. Maybe telling him how he makes you feel would help.(Do you do that?) For example, tell him that you can't keep having so much contact with him because it makes you feel awful, trapped, depressed, whatever... That is not being mean. Tell him how his actions affect you. Maybe you have.... You can also try harder not to make supportive gestures. That may be giving him a mixed message. Just be neutral--not cruel, not supportive.

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sunrise.. the trouble is two-fold.. he has NPD and he was abusive.. he didn't hit me, he was what T and i call verbally violent.. i was/am afraid of him. So it's not that i am uncomfortable.. i am terrified. i instantly crumble and become very submissive... if that happens then of course i will back down and give him whatever it is he is asking/demanding. Telling him how he makes me feel sets him off like a match in gasoline.

the other part is the NPD.. he just cannot conceive of certain things.. to make it worse, he doesn't know it. His care providers have not been able to tell him.. whenever they try he ends up in the psych ward. It totally unravels his reality. So, he cannot conceive of me not eventually wanting him back.. he has this idea that if he doesn't yell and keeps his job then we are working things out...

i have said "i can't do this any more" "i want a seperation" and "we are seperated." i have told him to contact his immigration attourney to check into what would happen.. i have told him NOT to come to my grad.. not to come visit.. not to call me so much... but it's like it wears off and he goes right back to whatever he had been doing. Part of this is that our relationship skewed, and somewhere in there i became his therapist instead of his wife... and honestly? i think i am the victim of intense transference. He's abusive on one hand and almost addicted on the other. Either way i suffer

i am trying hard to be less supportive.. and when i am i tell him a therapist should be doing this not me.. sometimes i do refuse and say he needs a therapist.

i have to tell him he cant come here anymore and he cant call me like he has been. Maybe once a week? i'd rather none for a while.. and then every so often if we can be friends in this. i mean.. he has a vested interest in being nice, i hold his immigration in my hands... *sigh.. i sometimes wish i were as inconsiderate, thoughtless, cruel and coldhearted as he has accused me of being..

mckell.. yeah.. i have been saying some of those or variations.. and he has not gotten it... apparently i need to ramp it up to "%#@&#! you"

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My graduation is a celebration of my personal achievement

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yeah.. oh boy. That is what we call a rocket blast. He would freak out at this because it would mean i was not giving him credit for my achievement. Yes. You read that right. He feels he got me to where i am. What is worse is i believed that.. still do in some ways. T pointed it out to me.. that H was saying things like how he had gotten me this far, etc.. it's often subtly worded, not malicious in intent because he doesn't perceive the boundary. It's %#@&#! maddening. So that statement would be an example of a right i dont have with him... the right to take credit for my own achievements...