Cross-posted in In Session Today

T Thursday. I'd gotten new tires the day before, and they'd seemed a little weird driving home that day, but I just figured was my car adjusting. However, on the 15-minute ride to T's, my steering wheel was shaking violently, and my car just felt like it was about to fall apart when I went above 40 mph (much of the ride there is highways). I was scared they'd screwed something up and that the tires were just going to come off my car. Feared I'd either get in an accident or that my car would just die and I wouldn't make it to T's. And he was about to go out of town, so it made things feel more urgent.

Made it there (a couple minutes late), and was kind of shaking walking into his office. I shared with him what had happened with the car, he seemed empathetic, and I commented how I'd been anxious about session anyway. T: "Why were you anxious?" Me: "Because you're going out of town." T: "Oh."

Talked more about car thing and the restaurant/bar where I'd waited while they worked on it day before. I mentioned I'd walked there, and T was like, "Wow! That's like a mile!." Me: "No it's not...maybe a half mile?" T: "But you walked there along the road?" Me: "Well, there were big grassy areas next to it, so I walked on those." T: "But still!" Me: "Yeah. Also, that reminds me, I went on a walk around the neighborhood a couple days ago. It was hot, and I was only going to do one loop, but then... I was feeling good and decided to do another loop." T: "How did it turn out?" Me: "Well, I took a bit of a shortcut near the end, but still did most of it. It was just weird, because I felt good. I wondered if you or H had sprinkled athlete powder in my water." T laughed and said, "Well that sounds like a good thing." I mentioned I got really itchy afterward, and how that often happened when I exercised. T: "Can you be allergic to your own sweat? Is that a thing?" Me: "Actually, some people can be. But there's also exercised-induced urticaria, which I think I have. Like caused by histamines. Because it also happens if I do yoga or something, where I'm not sweating much." T: "Huh."

T: "So how is that [restaurant where you went while they did your tires]? I've driven past it a bunch but haven't gone it." I gave brief positive review. Car thing came up again. T: "I was trying to talk about other things to distract you." Me: "Thanks, I think it helped." T: "This is probably a bad comparison, but often if you're feeling a certain way, you can get stuck in that, like a computer having a certain window up. So it's hard to change to feeling another way." Me: "Is it like the other windows are minimized?" T: "No, because then you could open them quickly. This is more like they're closed. So it's much easier to stay with what you're feeling. Like if you're anxious. And I was trying to draw you out of that. " Me: "Thanks. It helped some"

I had coughed a couple times and told him, "This is from allergies and anxiety, I'm not sick" (since I didn't want him to not shake my hand at end). He said, "OK." Then I cleared my throat. T: "Why are you clearing your throat?" Me: "Uh, because I had to clear my throat?" T smiled and said, "I know, I was just messing with you." I smiled.

Me: "So I feel like this is really silly. But I see p-doc next week for the first time in a long time." T: "Oh that reminds me, I talked to her briefly this morning" (I'd recently given them permission to talk about me). Me: "Oh? Can I ask what you talked about?" T: "One thing I said is that I think she should see you more frequently till you can get some of the OCD symptoms more under control." Me: "Um, OK."

Me: "So OK the other thing with p-doc is...this probably seems so silly. But, it will be the first time since I've terminated with ex-MC that I'll be turning into that parking lot (she's in a different building in same complex). And I know, you're right across the street, so it's not like I haven't passed the parking lot and building. But I'm still afraid that turning into it will affect me." T: "That's not silly. LT, loss doesn't have a timeline." Me: "OK, thanks. You mean like grieving a death?" T: "Yes, like that, random things can make you think of the person or feel sad. It's normal." Me: "OK, that makes me feel better" (also thinking, "Good, he finally seems to be classifying leaving ex-MC as a loss, with me grieving it.")

Then I said I'd struggled with figuring out what to schedule for next week. And I was sorry about the e-mail to change the times, that I worried it was annoying. And, while waiting for him to reply to my scheduling request, I considered writing back and saying "never mind, just keep it as it was," but figured that would be even *more* annoying. T said that wasn't an issue, it wouldn't have been annoying--well, unless I did it for every single appointment--andthat scheduling e-mails don't even really register for him as e-mails.

I said I was annoying myself. That I hated that I felt unable to stick with a decision. How, I thought this was an OCD thing, but sometimes it feels like I have to pick the exact right time for a session. T: "What do you mean? What do you think would happen if you picked the wrong one?" Me: "Well, switching to Wednesday, I'd worry that you were just back from your trip, so maybe you'd be tired or off your game. Or what if you or me or D was sick that day, so you'd have to cancel, but then the next day would have worked?" (Which led to my confirming that, if it was an occasional thing, he wouldn't charge me for calling out sick. He said he wouldn't charge me if it was a one-time thing or, like, once every 30 sessions. Only if part of a pattern, where it seemed like I didn't care at all about his time.)

I said how it wasn't just about scheduling sessions. That I was that way with, say, picking out a restaurant for lunch with my friend, doing tons of research. How I thought of all the ways it could go wrong. T said it sounds like I worry so much about the future, that I'm not living in present. I said yes, plus thinking about the past. T said maybe what I should focus on is being more in the present. Me: "So how do I do that exactly?"

T started talking about different ways to stay more present, and I suddenly started crying. T: "What's going on? Why are you upset?" Me (not being entirely truthful): "I think I'm just still stressed about the car thing." T: "OK, I can understand that." (It was really more about his going out of town, but I was afraid to talk about it because of how it had gone last time he'd been out of town, back in February.)

Talked about my trying to read into what people are doing, like hypervigilance. I said, for example, part of why I was concerned he was annoyed at me for sending the e-mail confirming schedule change was that he just replied with "Correct" followed by a period. That generally he uses exclamation points in those sorts of e-mails. But that I realized he probably was just in the middle of something, and he was just typing quickly, so it probably didn't mean anything. He said I was right, that there was no hidden meaning behind it.

I said sometimes I read into how he ends sessions, since he says all different things as his parting words. With ex-MC, he nearly always said "It was good to see you" when he shook our hands, so the times he didn't say that, my mind would automatically go to "Was it not good to see us this time?" T: "Wow." Me: "Yeah, I know, it probably didn't mean anything then." T: "I feel bad that you have so many thoughts like that in your mind." Me: "Thanks? Yeah, I wish I didn't think that way."

We were at 25 after. T pulled out his phone. Me: "I thought we'd already confirmed the scheduling?" T: "Yes, but I just like to confirm at the end." Me: "OK." He confirmed the next week ones (Wed. and Fri.), and I went over to pay. Me: "So...will you be checking e-mail while you're out?" T: "I have no one covering my messages, so that means I'll be checking a couple times a day." Me: "OK, good. I mean, I'll try not to email, but...And what do you mean about someone covering your messages?" T: "If I couldn't be checking email, I'd have to have another therapist checking my messages, or else it would be client abandonment." Me: "Really? OK."

We shook hands as T said, "Stay in the present." I said "I'll try." I turned to leave, and he said, "And good luck with the car." Me: "Thanks. And...uh, have fun? wherever you're going or doing."

H met me in parking lot to drive my car to the tire place, where, after a few hours (while H and I hung out at same nearby bar/restaurant), they determined it was an alignment issue, as T had suspected, and fixed it for free. So I kind of pushed off any reaction to the session/T going out of town until I got home, where I ended up getting emotional and e-mailing him (separate post).