Hm-m-m-m... well... I'd be lying if I suggested I have any idea what this is about. I think it is all something you would have to explore with the help of a mental health therapist who is knowledgeable with regard to issues of sexual orientation.

The one thing I do know, based on my own personal experience, is that these sorts of things are complicated. They can't be deciphered in a post here on PC. I personally don't even know if it's possible to get to the bottom of something like this via therapy since I never made any serious attempt to do so myself. But I presume that in the process of therapy, with a skilled therapist, one could at least get closer to an answer.

You have to excuse me. But I had to chuckle a bit at your sentence: "What the hell is wrong with me?" I grew up, many years ago now, struggling with what I now know were gender identity issues. (Back then I had no idea what was going on with me. And there was no one I could talk to about it.) I never "came out" to my parents. (I was too embarrassed & afraid. Plus I wouldn't have had the words to tell them what I was experiencing.)

Anyway, I did get caught, by my parents, in compromising situations a few times growing up & had to do some fast talking to wiggle out. My father, bless his heart, loved deprecatory one-liners. And one of the ones he was fond of using on me, when he caught me doing something he thought was weird, was: "What the hell's the matter with ya, Bud?" I know if I had ever been able to come out to him as transgender, he'd have said: "What the hell's the matter with ya, Bud?" I can just hear him. So when I read that sentence in your post, it took me back... & brought a wry smile to my face. I do know what it's like to struggle with the sorts of things you wrote about in your post. I hope that, in some way, you can get as close as possible to the answers you seek & find a path to deep peace within...