I am seeing a new therapist now.I recently got triggered and have trauma memories from university again,this was 30 years ago.I hung out with a gang,one of the lads I met before,he came into my dad's shop when I was 17 and he was 12,I smiled at him and he called me fat and repulsive.I ran into the back crying,then my dad asked what he said but I didn't tell him.I know he heard cos later in the month my own dad said I was fat and repulsive to me,he didn't know the word repulsive before he heard the kid say it.

Later when I was 23 this lad came into the shop again and heard me talking about how I was going to go the next year to university.I had lost weight by then and become attractive.

Then when I got to university...he was there I didn't know at the time it was only later that I remembered he talked about trying to find my dad's shop again cos he liked me and wanted to see me but I didn't realise that was what he meant.He never came out and said I've met you before.We hung out as a group I wanted to get to know him he just wanted to jump into bed with me,no getting to know me first,no bonding.I tried to engage him. there were awkward silences and we had absolutely nothing in common.I kept trying to meet up with him hoping that we could get some emotional connection.

After I wouldn't sleep with him and word got out I wasn't sexually active he started avoiding me I refused to let go and developed a massive crush on him.Then one of our group warned me that the rest were ganging up on me and going to drive me mad,they were plotting to do so.She said I had to stop them.

I couldn't stop them I was tied up in knots and I knew I had to unravel.I was in deep self hatred and I pressed self destruct button.I smoked cannabis and also I had an un-diagnosed hypothyroidism which made me ill.They started trying to make my crush on the lad into an obsession,they did that thing the Queen does where he'd show up and only stay three minutes and then disappear,leaving me wanting more...they did that all the time.The lad's popularity increased since I was acting like he was God.

They and he played this hide and seek using this crush I had on him,following me from the city I was in university in to London and then lured me to his home town in Scotland,all the time this lad's mates were following me ,one I recognised later as his friend,I met him in the city in Scotland,I suspected he knew this lad from uni but wasn't sure.Years later I saw his friend in a catalogue modelling they were both catalogue models.So that's how I found out they had gaslighted me all the way from university through my trips to 2 other cities.From the Scottish city I went there with no money to find a place to stay and no money to get back.The police found me sleeping rough on the streets and put me in a mental hospital and when I got back to Capital city in England,I was seriously mentally ill and in psychosis.I had been driven mad by this gang like they planned.Also before this while I was still at university one of the gang this lad hang out with and who were supposedly my friends he date raped me.

For years I still had feelings for this lad and couldn't acknowledge his involvement in this abuse that took place but I recently even though really I knew it all along I could see he was fully involved and on board with the plan to mess with my mind and drive me mad.I was astounded at the lengths they went through to mess me up following me around the country.

With having PTSD I had blocked all memories of this and totally forgot it.Now it has come back and I am ready to accept the truth.This lad never ever saw me as anything more than a sex object and someone to ridicule,he never cared about my feelings.I developed a crush on him due to his good looks and initial impressive personality,but underneath all that I was ignoring his capacity for nastiness and cruelty and sexism.I was never in love with him it was a massive obssession. Why he hated me so much he wanted to drive me mad I don't know but I was innocent,ill physically and smoking cannabis which stripped me of my defences.I felt responsible for what they did to me.I felt guilty,I felt shame,I realise now they kept me in the dark and they punished me for rejecting him sexually and wanting more than that from him.He had said I was too good for him which in real talk means I put up with abuse from him and still want to know him.I was seriously hurt by this lad he caused me a lot of harm my mental health was damaged my physical health too.
I should have protected myself,the whole gang were jealous of my past and the fact that I was different and had achieved financially.I look back at them now and I see nasty,cruel,people,narcissists,selfish people that lack empathy,I hate them for what they did to me.If I could find them and exact revenge I would.They don't deserve any more time or attention from me though, I have suffered enough emotional pain because of them over the last 30 years.

I was vulnerable,innocent and this is a lesson not to judge someone on appearances,if I hadn't allowed my feelings to take over I would have walked away from them all the minute they became verbally abusive.My mistake,my bad,I had lived a sheltered life up till then and was in awe of them.I am going to explain this to my therapist see if she has anything to add.