Beyond the rainbow - it was my birthday Friday and I spent the day mad that I am still alive but it was good being around family. Suicide is still on my mind but everything is put up so there's no way I can harm myself. I've been very dizzy and nauseated the past two days so I've been sleeping a lot. I woke up to laughing and started hearing my name called today a lot so I may be slipping into psychosis. At this point I hardly care. I haven't told anyone in real life I'm hearing things. I have to renew our benifits tonight I put it off to the last day. I asked my husband to do it but he always says he'll do it later and there's no later at this point. I don't have it in me to argue. I run out of Lamictal tonight I have no idea how that happened or how to fix it. I just feel done with everything. My anxiety is still high. We've used all of our food money and the month is only half over. Just because the cheapest store had bugs walking around like they owned the place and it's to hard to go to the big chain store. So we're stuck with the expensive store. I have no idea what I'm feeding my kid the rest of the month. I think lots of hot dogs, Ramen noodles, pb&j, tuna, and mac and cheese. He won't go hungry but it'll be really cheap foods and not the healthiest. Which makes me feel horrible but I can't do anything about it. Knowing I physically can't do anything to harm myself makes the thoughts more dismissive. I don't even know what I'm going to tell my pnurse when I see her.