You are not this terrible person. You just need to be willing to step up to the plate and more actively manage your problems. This is very difficult with feeling the way you do. Very difficult. As far as saying you may be a bad person anyway, you may be using this to excuse yourself from your responsabilities in takng care of yourself. I think this is the case because it is so difficult for you to function enough to do anything. I understand this. You are in a bad place right now. So why try? Right? You may think that none of this is possible. By the way, I am happy you are talking to us about how you feel instead of withdrawing, which at this point in time IMO is the worst thing you can do for yourself. Believe me, the effort I am asking you to put out for yourself will eventually lead to better times. I am sure you have been there at least one time in the past. You can be there again.

Take one step at a time. Since you have the immediate problem of food for your family, work on that first. My suggestion is to go to some these places that give away food to the needy. You will have to go to more than one place to get enough food. Lists are available on the Internet. I can look them up for you. There is also that “meals on wheels” program too. I am just trying to give you ideas.

The next step, which may need to be the first step, is to get by with your meds until you can see your pdoc. Call your pdoc and say it is an emergency. Tell them the problems you have been having, and some about how you have been feeling. Do not forget to tell them you are hearing things. Most importantly, tell them you are out of meds, and you need them to phone in new prescriptions NOW. Do not take “no” for an answer. Do not let them provide you an excuse, like it is policy to have their patients wait for their next appointment. Do not let them hand you off to a hospital. Tell them this is unacceptable. They are responsible for making sure you are being provided with the medication that your doctor is prescribing for you. Sometimes you have to advocate for yourself. You can always have your eldest help you with this. Get the local pharmacy to “loan” you medication.

You are going to a public facility that charges on a sliding scale, don’t you? In your case, you should be allowed to visit a pdoc and get your meds for free. That is what is happening for me. This saves me allot of money. I would think that there are facilities like this in various cities. There is Medicaid to consider. I would not be surprised that if you qualify for section 8 housing, you may already qualify for Medicaid. I do not know. Also look into getting both SSDI and SSI together. I think you are already on SSDI, right? It is possible to be on both. If you have to, go to churches for help. I do not know of your religious disposition. Maybe there is a church you already go to. If not, I believe this will still be worth a try. Some churches have the money to help who they consider the needy. They can help in other ways too. Some churches have a policy to never turn away anyone that needs help.

One day in the future, the sun will shine for you once again. You need to believe in yourself. That is the most difficult part, isn’t it? I believe you can do this, one step at a time. Allot of encouragement from us will help too. We are here for you.

PS Be careful with how long you are off of Lamictal. Also, if your feelings about your lack of a future persist (I am trying to be careful here), I think you do need to consider hospitalization. The purpose here is to keep you alive. There can be public facilities for this too.