H just called to let me know he will be home late cuz he's up north a bit. I told him "I'm going back to therapy briefly". He laughed. Then he said the same person? or someone new? I said no the same person. I do NOT want to start over that would take forever. He said well I hope it's not for another 6 years. I said no it will not be. That after I had the panic attack over the weekend I knew I had left too soon. He said something about I need to do what I need to do. But I could hear disdain in his voice. Damn it. I should have waited til he was home before I told him but it just kinda came out before I could stop it.

Now I'm questioning myself. Maybe I can still go in there Thursday and apologize and tell her I made a mistake calling her and I should not have come back. I don't know what I am doing.

Why can't I just stand up to him and tell him this is what I want?!

How do others with spouses that don't want them in therapy deal with this? Am I wrong to want both? Am I wrong to want to be the best me I can be for him, for our marriage, for our son?

Why do I feel so defective right now?