We are getting to the heart of things now.

My greatest fear in life is ending up alone and miserable like my grandmother was (not my beloved grandma, the other one). I feel like I have to be what h wants or he will leave me. But you know what, I just got off the phone with him again (I called him back to make sure we were ok) and he kinda went off the rails telling me how he is just sick of me being so wishy-washy and tired of us fighting all the time (I didn't perceive us as fighting all the time, but he does apparently) and i should just do whatever the hell I want because he doesn't give a **** anymore.

Oh.

Ouch.

I had no idea he was feeling this way. I somehow did not start bawling. While he was yelling all of that we got disconnected. He called me back and asked if I felt better after hanging up on him. I said I didn't hang up on you. The call dropped for whatever reason. He was calmed down again and said that he just wants me to fix myself. I said are we going to be ok? He said I hope so. He's tired of me always asking him what I should do about things said that I just need to do what makes me happy and not always hem and haw around him and question myself all the time just make a decision and do it. Any decision is better than no decision. He said I knew you weren't ready to quit. But i wasn't going to say anything you had to make that decision yourself.

I don't want to go back now. But that would be doing what I think HE wants which he just told me he doesn't want me to do. He said just fix yourself.

I've been trying so hard to do what I think he wants me to do that I don't even know what I want anymore.

I wonder if my marriage is going to survive.