Dad and I have never really got on. We have been differentto each other as possible. I often feel guilty that I cannot be the sort ofdaughter he could relate to. While he has chosen science and environmentalcauses I have found calmness and support in Christianity.
While he walks along worrying and being anxious about everything I have triedto smile, dance, sing and generally spread positivity and laughter.
While he has a lot of big causes and intensity I have tried to avoid having anyintense interests or passions that would alienate me from others, or cause meto lecture people.
I remember hearing Mum and Dad fight as a kid and feeling how unstable he is,wondering if he would dare hurt Mum.
I have never seen him as a Dad, or any role model figure, but as a littlebrother, lost and competing for attention. He needed looking after and fussingover and everything else had to wait until his issues were discussed, no matterwhat else was going on.
My dad detests some of the things I love … Church, America,comedy, western culture.
Whenever I have tried to challenge Dad he has shouted medown. If I do anything he doesn’t like he gets this horrified look to his face.He creates problems for everyone around him, is needy of all the time availableand is an arsehole to live with. I don’t know why Mum stood by him so long.
I hope that maybe when he moves finally away it will bringme calmness and I can find positivity easier. I think if he got to know God hemight find peace and solace and learn not to be so needy as he is.
He has no idea of what things other people like or don’tlike. If he thought I might not like to try something he would call it “asurprise” and laugh at me if I got upset about that.
Family holidays always meant hill walking and if Icomplained about it, cause I was the one always trailing behind and felt verybored, he would accuse me of hysterics or laugh and mock me. He would say Ididn’t have to be part of the outing, as in “I don’t have to be part of thefamily”.
I don’t know why he has to rebel against the west and be sobigoted and hurtful to others.
I don’t know why he can’t drop his causes and relax.
His mannerisms are awkward.
I have forgiven him for all the damage he did but he stillgets to me.
I just want to get as far away from him as possible. I thinkhe is partly why I do not trust men.
I just want to escape the turmoil and guilt of being hisdaughter.
I fantasize often about a partner stepping in between andscaring Dad away from me. He would take me off on a horse and ride with me to aplace that is safe, where Dad will not go. This is my escape.
I just want to smile and be happy and not have to thinkabout him or his damn issues.